My Heart and Soul....
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2002-12-04 14:30:12 (UTC)


UGH....I don't know why I even bother sometimes. Sara set me
up with the perfect guy. And she was right. Everything was
perfect, UNTIL HE STOPPED CALLING ME And yes, I did call
him, he won't return my phone calls. I don't know wheter to
be extremly pissed, or terribly hurt.

I guess he thinks that I went to fast. Funny thing is, I
don't ever make the first move. This is the second guy that
has said that. (haha, he's the same age too) This is what I
think: These guys don't know how to deal with their own
emotions, so they try to blame it on me. By saying that I am
moving to fast, they can somehoe convince themselves that
that is why they can't be with me. But in reality, they are
just too damn scared by the fact that I am younger, and that
they can indeed have feelings for me. I am hurt they Andy is
playing the same damn game that Drew pulled. The whole, it's
over, and I'm never speaking to you again, forget everything
we shared. That hurts. Hurts me that guys can do that, and
hurts me that I am stupid enough to get involved with guys
that I know will do that. I guess it was stupid of me to
think that I had actually found a guy with so many qualities
that I liked (again) and think that MAYBE this time things
would be different. I really am naive I guess. I said from
the start that Andy had all the qualities I liked in Drew
and David, all rolled into one person. That should have been
my first clue. The two guys that hurt me the most. And yet,
I still let him get close to me. Thankfully, I am leary and
didn't let him get as close to me as the other two. If I
had, I think I would be a lot more upset right now. I'm just
trying to keep myself in check. Tell myself that it was just
a guy, and it didn't work. I know I'll find mine.

Char and I were talking. I was telling her how growing up
with male role models like my Unlce Bill, and my Uncle Doug
and Charlie, a man in my life had a tough act to follow. She
said that's why I have such his standards. I refuse to
settle for just any guy, cause I need someone as great as my
uncles, somone who I am proud to take home to meet them.
I've only met one person who comes close to that, but I
guess I was wrong about him. (Although oddly enough, my
family says that all of them couldn't have been that stupid,
and they liked him, so there has got to be another story
that hasn't come out yet.) I don't know. I just know that my
luck with guys is shit.

Top that off with I've been really sick. Sick with
depression the last couple of weeks, so I've been home from
school a lot because of the whole nerves thing, and now I
have a bad cold so I havnen't been going. I'm getting so far
behind. I can't wait for Christmas break, so I can get all
caught up.

BLAH...I hate this time of year. I really do. I hate
spending it alone. I mean, I have my family. But last year
it was really great to be able to share Christmas with
someone who loved me. I miss him so much. :-(

Ok...I'm getting to damn depressed. I'm gonna go lay down on
the couch and try to relax. I'll talk to you all soon

Love ya