silent thoughts........
2001-08-25 16:51:13 (UTC)

must be my time ..............

You know when your a kid,and you sit down with yr
girlfriends and plan out how yr life would be,how many
kids,and what type of job you are going to have..etc,well i
dont actually remember doing that at all.Maybe back then i
knew deep down that i would always be alone,maybe i take
after dad,i can only one has ever said .you know
havin no friends never really bothered me till now maybe
because i knew that he would always be there for me,but now
i cant even count on that,havnt be able to for a long
time.I cant blame him ,hes only followin his
dreams,something i lack in and maybe should try to dream a
little,but it seems that the dream i want will stay a
dream.i am slowly startin to get over all this,the
jelousy,the anger and whatever else i feel that maybe i
shouldnt feel...I feel like im lost and theres no end to
where im llife dosnt seem to get easier for me or
does the pain lessen,the type of pain i mean is going from
being someones life to being something once in a blue moon
and just someone whos expected to do certain things..there
is no one to blame i suppose for my life but me,I need to
stand up for myself and not let people walk over me or
treat me like im an idiot,i am tired of how things are.At
times i sit here late at night and think bout dad and how
lonely he must have been,loneliness and solitary can do
things to someone and you have no control over theses
things as much as you try to ignore the signs,deep down you
know where yr spiraling,into the blackhole of no return.i
have been fightin this for sum time in my own head and
wondered if its me going mad,or is it my thinkin thats not
quiet right,i wonder if im just a spoilted bitch who knows
nothing at all.i make do evryday and do the daily things in
life,to me its surviving and living day to
day....................for whoever reads this if anyone
ever does,it would seem to them that im probably a raving
lunatic,well maybe thats what happens when you look at for
walls all the time. 26/8/01