helena

in deep sh*t
2001-08-25 11:30:34 (UTC)

entry 8

i'm realy sad right now coz I realize there will always be something wrong with my life. The f*cking govt is interfering in it now...if its not one thing it's another.
I wish I could just be normal. I had to lie to 'mike' and a countless amout of people because I don't want to explain. Someday they'll find out and be really hurt. It's sad that I can never really ever be me. Even when I was younger I was someone that got moulded by certain expereinces and I also had to be a certain way because thats what my parents wanted. I had to lie about me and of course I couldn't like myself because it wasn't really me.
So I let people think things about me that weren't true. Because that was the only person I could be at the time.
I hate everything. I mean I realize that what I have to do now is so important to my overal well-being and future etc but I'm afraid that I'm gonna crack just before I get there. How ironic...just when I'm finally free for me to end up losing it and shooting up some place or having to go to a psych ward.
Maybe I can pull this off for 2 years. Maybe it wont take that long. If I don't I'll get in trouble.

But I know enough not to tell anyone because no one can really keep a secret. NO ONE. It's one sure way to fail to tell someone something.
But it will be a happy time if I can not think about it. I mean you can fool anyone with a smile : ) Also I will also impact A's life because he doesn't really believe I will leave. He believes he can change my mind. He told me about the bad dream he had last night.

yeah I lied to a future priest about 3 days ago. Hopefully it wont matter though.

Oh my god but I couldn't lie to this alleged 'psychic' person. I tried to pull of a disguise and he tells me without even looking at me or knowing who I was. 'I don't know what you mean...but I know I have spoke to you before.'

Before as myself he told me alot of strange things and I had tried to cover up some stuff and at first he went 'look i'm a stranger, i dont know you dont lie to me ok' 'i'm like ok i wont' lol then i went ahead and lied to him...or kept something from him then he goes 'you haven't been honest with me'

lol. he told me he was an angel.

anyways as i write this i asked A~ dress up like a girl and go up to the angel person and see what he says. LOL
I'm just bored ok...dammit he left again.

Indeed I am the whore of Babylon. ok i'm not yet divorced apparetly and already i'm hitting on 2 guys. One of which wants to take care of me and i think he's loaded (ethan) and the other guy is this priest person mike. (not the angel)

he wants to get married. so does ethan. A~ is gonna kill meeeeeeeee. ok i can't take this anymore. i think i should tell ethan right now coz he's in love with me.. i told him 'i love you' for the third time in 15 mins..he can't thandle it lol.

ohh my god i just told him...not everything. maybe he can guess the rest..he keeps asking me questions one by one. I dont want his psycho ex coming after me...shes in jail right now.
ok i can't get rid of him now...hes really not gonna go awway hhe asked me if divorce was part oft he plannnn ohh shitttt..he said he has a soul and heart

maybe he forgives me coz its b/c of all the shit i've been through. but maybe he'll leave i'll be ready either way.

he loves me. he will support me with anything ok looks like i'll get a divorce and marry him now. what a fuck up. if only i had known this 6 months ago i wouldn't have fucking tried to get away from this mess like that.fuckkkkk i shouldn't have had sex w/ ~~~

all i wanted was a fcuking normal life but noooo i'm gonna end up getttingmarried about 7 times ...ij ust know it. coz i can't be fucking left alone ...there was nothign i cuold do at the time but marry ~~ because i needed the protection. lets face it she wouldn't have taken me seriously

mm i'll writ more tomrrooww gniteee