Bumblebee

Adventures in Incompetence
2001-08-25 08:35:29 (UTC)

A funny thing happened to me..

A funny thing happened to me the other night....

I had watched "Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles" with the
girls I babysit. It was kinda... strange, but also very
amusing. I found myself highly entertained by the
kung-fu fighting rat puppet, and the cutting-edge slang,
such as "Cowabunga!" and "Radical!" I found that I have
much more in common with the ninja turtles than I am
comfortable with. I can really empathize with them. Well,
not on the whole 'fighting-evil-with-turtle-power" thing,
but all the rest. I guess you could say that I fight the
evils of complacency. No, I'm not going to explain what
that means. If you don't know the word, you should get
off your lazy ass and look it up.
Later that night, I fell asleep and dreamed of being a
part of the ninja turtles' group. There was this whole
initiation thing, and then we had to go fight Shredder
(the evil guy with the metal helmet). Well, I woke up. It
was the middle of the night. And I had this strange
moment of clarity... I guess you could call it an
epiphany. I looked up at my ceiling and knew....

I
don't
belong
here

Haven't you ever had those strange moments when
you're so mentally lucid that you think you just might be
going insane? Maybe not. But that happens to me once
in a while. Last time it happened, I was in the 7th grade.
One evening I was laying on my mother's bed, the room
started spinning, even though it was totally still. But, I
didn't really know if I was really *in* the room. Was this
room real? Was I even real? Nothing seemed the
same anymore. It was all a haze of existential
uncertainty. I wouldn't speak to my mother, because I
wasn't sure if she was some kind of illusion
propogated to decieve me into believing this giant
unreality.
The next day, my therapist switched my medication,
and after that I stopped having doubts about my
existence. I look back and think, it's really a shame. I
was in a whole other world, and I saw things through
different eyes. I think I was really on to something. I
resent the fact that they had to use drugs to alter my
perceptions so that they conformed to those of
everyone else.
So that was then. It didn't really happen again until
recently. I mean sure I've had my psychotic
manic-depressive moments, but nothing really new or
frequent.
But when I woke up from my ninja-turtles dream, it
was like the clouds in my head had dissipated, at least
momentarily. Everything made perfect sense. For some
reason I will probably never fathom, I was put here on
earth in this body with this brain for a reason. But
whatever that reason was, it was a shitty decision. (I
don't want it to sound like I'm a religous person,
because I haven't figured out my beliefs and all that. So
I'm not necessarily talking in terms of god and all that
mojo).
I may sound like I'm spewing a bunch of bullcrap,
but that won't matter, because you're the one sitting
there reading this bullcrap. Anyway, I can look at it from
the more religious angle, or from the more scientific
angle. And in both cases I come to the conclusion that
my presence in reality must be some sort of cosmic
fluke.
Think about the theory of evolution. It's quite
simple. Organisms that are most suited to their
environment survive, while the ones who are inferior in
some way, don't survive. Survival of the fittest. I think
about that, and I look at myself. Would I be having
doubts about my reason for existing if I were an ideal
specimen of the human race? Don't get me wrong, it's
not like I *strive* to be a pillar of society or anything. And
it's not like anyone is without faults. But I just can't help
but feel that I'm not suited to be here. During early
pregnancy, if something is seriously wrong with an
embryo/fetus, the body will often abort it. One out of
every five pregnancies is aborted. It just happens so
early in the pregnancy that much of the time, the woman
doesn't even know she had concieved. And I think, what
if I'm like that in a way? What if these feelings and
doubts are occuring because something about me isn't
right, so something in me is instinctually trying to
self-destruct?
When I told my therapist about these thoughts, he
pretty much shot me down and told me flat out that it's
not true. But how does he know that? He's so
embroiled in society that he is programmed with certain
beliefs. One of which is, say what you have to to keep
your patient from blowing their brains out. I can't say
that I can argue with that concept. But I won't discard my
theories just because he says they're wrong.
I should also make it clear that, despite the
sombre and fatalistic tone of this narrative, I am not
suicidal. So no, you needn't notify the nearest counselor
or call my mother. No, I'm not doing this just to show
everyone how low my self esteem is. That's totally not
the issue. If someone is worried about my apparent
lack of 'positive self-image', I tell them to look at any
other girl my age, and compare. I guarantee you that
almost without exception, any teen girl could be the
poster-child for low self-esteem. It's not NORMAL for
someone to feel good about themselves when they're
this age. People like that are early-onset narcissistics.
So.... if I don't belong here, why do I make efforts to
do so? Why do I try to hide my more disturbing
eccentricities?
Not many people know that I'm a trichotillomaniac.
I have been ever since I was in first grade. It's
something that kind of falls under the category of
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders. Yeah, I have the
classic version of OCD too. I used to count cars and
trees obsessively. I counted how many steps I took with
each foot, and how many M&M's I chewed on each side
of my mouth. Trichotillomania is obsessive hair-pulling.
Not pulling other people's hair. Plucking out one's own
hair. One day I plucked out all of my eyelashes. Don't
know why. But of course, when you have a disorder,
there really isn't a reason for things like that. My mom
yelled at me, because she thought I did it to make her
mad. I wasn't that cunning back then, though I wish I
was. She tried bribing me into letting them grow back,
and threatening, and pleading. But nothing worked. I
plucked out all of my eyelashes for 6 years straight.
Finally I went to see a therapist who knew what
this kind of behavior was. And I got better. But I still
pluck out my eyelashes when I'm stressed out. In fact, I
don't have that many right now. School's starting soon,
and that's always been a major factor of misery in my
life. In the summer I usually have all of my eyelashes.
But, when I don't, I put on eyeliner so that my eyes don't
look strange. If you've ever looked at a cancer patient
who has no hair, you know how their eyes look
strangely naked, because they aren't shaded with
lashes. Their pupils looks bigger and darker, because
there is no dark lashline framing the eye. My eyes look
like that. And people notice it. They say, "There's
something different about your eyes, but I can't figure
out what it is." At times like that, I want nothing more
than to crawl into a hole and die. I usually change the
subject and never look that person in the eye again.
That's why I wear eyeliner sometimes. I don't get
asked questions. But it's a hassle, because it runs and
stings my eyes, and still doesn't look quite normal. And
I have to re-apply a lot. Lately, I just haven't been
bothering with it. I figure, what for? Why am I putting
myself through hell just so that people won't look at me
strangely? I mean, I've endured people looking at me
for other reasons. When they laugh at me because they
think I'm fat, I keep on going. I have no choice. Maybe I
just hide my eyes because I can. I can't hide my whole
body. If people find fault in me, they will ridicule me. And
I *will* know about it. I will never be treated normally by
the general public, because I am not viewed as a
normal person. And that pisses me off. WHY DO THEY
DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS AVERAGE PEOPLE,
WHY DO THEY GET THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
UNTIL THEY'RE PROVEN GUILTY? I am avoided, put
down, and underestimated by more people than I care
to mention. People put me on trial before they even
meet me. All it takes is a glance at "that weird fat girl"
and it's over.
So yeah, maybe I'm being treated like this
because I'm not biologically fit enough to survive. Is this
Darwin's theory in action? Am I being chosen for
extinction? In a way, I think I am.
And I think that I'd rather vanish of my own accord,
than by default. Call it misplaced pride.

Maybe I do belong in the ninja turtles.

Bumblebee's words of advice: Go out of your way not to
step on worms in the rain.