Claudia

once again
2001-08-25 07:04:33 (UTC)

cigarettes

What a crazy day. First, I'd like to thank whomever it was
that wrote to me. I'm new on this whole internet thing and
it's nice to know someone actually cares and reads. I'm
taking everything, what you said and the past and present
into extreme perspective. I thought it was a good day and
Tony called at work. I was slammed, not much I can do
about that. I put him on hold and thought he hung up so
two hours later when I got home, I called. No answer.
While on the phone with my bestfriend, whom I've ditched
since meeting Tony, he calls. I ask to call him right back
and he completely wigs...and hangs up on me. So i chill
and continue talking. I hang up and he calls back and I
was eating dinner with my family and I tell him I'll call
back in a few minutes and again he wigs but says not to
call anymore. He calls after dinner and long story short,
another fight breaks out and he breaks up with me. No
sweat off my back and Itell him i'm dropping off his
stuff. I get ther and he is begging and this and that. I
explain I'm tired of being treated like I'm 2 and
fighting. After 2 hours he suckers me into staying and I
let him apologize and I can't bring myself to really end
it. However I leave unhappy because this is not what I
want. I talked to Shawn this morning and he continues to
promise he'll be with me again. He'll move here to gain
everything back that we had for 2 years. I miss him, i
miss our movie nights, our baths, our car trips. I miss
him rubbing my feet after work. I'm fearful it's all in
loneliness on his part but he assures me it's not. I'm
lost, he says not tobe because he will prove himself to
me. After Christmas he will be free of all debts he has to
pay off and will be able to leave. He says he can't wait.
He wants to leave Florida badly and begin a goodlife. I
hope what he's saying is the truth. i'm putting hope into
a situation I shouldn't however, Amica reassures me
everyday that he has truth to this. She never talks to him
but she knows him and she sees the difference in everything
he does. He actually called me when he said he would.
Tony smelt cigarettes on me and asked why. I told him I
was pissed so I bought a pack. He wigged again because of
the whole promise thing that I quit. Little to him I never
did. He doesn't know me and he treats me like his daughter
not girlfriend. I tell him while he's working through the
night I'm going to Sarah's to see my friend and he tries
telling me I need to be home by 12:30 otherwise it's too
late and he'll be scared I got hurt inthe rain. Then I
remind him that that's what I'm talking about. I was home
by 1:15. I called his cell otherwise that would create a
new fight. he swears no more fighting but I breath the
wrong way and there's a fight. i can't win and I have to
listen to him otherwise I'm acting CHILDISH. He makes me
stressed out and unhappy. I can't stand it. He's always
worried what my sister thinks. Worry about what I think .
Honestly, she's pissed at him for all the fighting and he
says it's my fault but I avoid fights, he pushes until one
of us breaks. I need this button to pop out of the sky
infront of his face falshing "STOP NOW" and leave me
alone. Let me be 20, I had no childhood and I moved back
to enjoy myself and be billfree and worry free. This is
rediculous. But I'm living in a fantsy world. NO rent,
just a car payment. Free food and my sister and her
husband help me out tremendously. This life here is great,
and I'm trying to enjoy happiness, is that fantasy?