Matt (amongst other things)
2002-12-03 02:03:04 (UTC)

Funny letters on Planetout

I wanted to respond to the advice you gave to "Tried Not to
Fall," the closeted gay guy who was in love with his
straight roommate. You advised TNTF to tell his straight
roommate how he felt.

I am in the straight roommate's shoes, Dan. I believe my
roommate is gay and, judging by the many hints/jokes that
slip from his mouth, he has some "special" feelings for me.
I am not a homophobe in the violent sense. I do, however,
feel very uncomfortable being hit on by other guys. As long
as my roommate's attempts to bed me remain in the realm of
jokes, then we can both pretend he's not gay and I can
deal. If he makes the foolish mistake of coming on to me,
however, it will definitely ruin our relationship.

If TNTF's roommate is straight, then TNTF should respect
his roommate's professed sexual identity and refrain from
making unwelcome, disrespectful passes. Isn't respecting
other people's sexual identities what gay people are always
telling straight people to do?
-- Not Open to Gay Advance as of Yet

As a general rule, NOTGAY, I agree that gay men shouldn't
make passes at straight guys. Buuuuuuut ... not all gay
guys are out, NOTGAY, and that complicates matters. It may
sound good in theory to say that gay men should respect the
professed sexual identities of straight guys and refrain
from making passes, but in practice exceptions have to be

It's like this, NOTGAY: Most young gay men are closeted and
most don't come out until after they start messing around
with guys. So sometimes young gay guys (who may still be
closeted and "straight-identified" themselves) have to act
on a hunch and make passes at straight-identified friends
and roommates. Yes, yes: Some gay men's "hunches" are so
much wishful thinking. (Wishful thinking explains why so
many gay men have "hunches" about Tom Cruise and so few
have hunches about, say, Al Roker.)

But often a hunch proves correct and an "unwelcome,
disrespectful" pass results in a "straight" friend dropping
his pants, coming out the closet, and becoming a boyfriend.
When that happens, the ex-straight guy is thankful for the
unwelcome, disrespectful pass. In your case, NOTGAY, your
roommate's hunch about you seems like so much wishful
thinking. For the sake of your friendship, I hope your
roommate keeps his hands to himself.

I am an 18-year-old straight guy. When I was 14 or so, me
and my best male friend messed around a lot. It started one
day when we looked at porn on his computer. We began
masturbating under blankets together, then in full view of
each other, then sitting next to each other. Soon we were
experimenting with different ways of holding each other's
dicks and getting each other off. I always enjoyed these
experiences even if I felt horribly grossed out and shamed
the next day. However, I was always ready to do it again
the next time I slept over. One time I even got down on all
fours in front of him and he almost accepted the unspoken

The thought of kissing, cuddling or any other kind
of "sensuality" with a guy repulses me. We were just two
horny boys with hard dicks. I love my girlfriend, and I
feel a closeness and an intimacy with her that I could
never feel with a guy. On the other hand, I hope to get the
opportunity to experience the sheer animal lust that drove
me and my best friend back then. My biggest fantasy, I have
to admit, is to be fucked in the ass by a guy.
-- Straight Guy Who Likes Dick

I'm running this letter for your benefit, NOTGAY, because I
think it's clear that Straight Guy Who Likes Dick isn't a
straight guy at all -- despite the girlfriend, despite the
professed straight identity. Like a lot of closeted gay
guys his age, SGWLD twists himself into knots to avoid
admitting what's obvious to anyone who reads his letter:
He's a HUGE fag. (Feeling "horribly grossed out and shamed"
immediately after you mess around with a guy is the oldest
closet-case cliche, SGWLD; being ready for more just as
soon as you're horny again is the second oldest.)

Like a lot of closeted guys' guys who are closeted even to
themselves, SGWLD thinks that if he refrains from kissing
and cuddling other guys he can't really be gay (or won't
have to be gay). It seems to me, NOTGAY, that what SGWLD
really needs more than anything in the world is for some
nice gay guy his own age to develop a hunch about him and
make an unwelcome, disrespectful pass. Hopefully the lucky
guy who helps SGWLD realize his biggest fantasy will insist
on a little cuddling and kissing before and after the ass-
fucking, thereby helping SGWLD break through his idiotic
denial about who he is.

My boyfriend and I have live next door to a nice woman who
has a totally hot boyfriend (a coach at our local
university) who we call HB. My boyfriend and I see HB out
and about, mowing the lawn, doing stretches on the porch
before he goes for a run, playing with his girlfriend's
dog -- all the usual straight guy stuff. The other morning
when I got up, HB was in his girlfriend's kitchen NAKED He
looked right at me, smiled, turned to open the fridge and
bent over with his legs spread, giving me a free show Now
when we see HB, he winks at us when his girlfriend isn't
looking Should we invite him over for a little man play
the next time his girlfriend is away?
-- Men Out and Naughty

I'm also printing this letter for your benefit, NOTGAY,
just to show you that sometimes straight guys make
unwelcome, disrespectful passes at gay men. Well, I guess
it's not really accurate to describe HB's behavior as
unwelcome. His actions, however, have clearly unnerved MOAN
and his boyfriend.

Since HB isn't an 18 year-old, odds are better that he
isn't a closet case who needs a nice gay guy -- or a couple
of gay guys -- to come along and make the pass that brings
him out. So what the fuck is HB up to? I'd say he's either
a bisexual guy looking for some action on the side (maybe
the girlfriend wants to watch?) or, more likely, he's an
extraordinarily good-looking straight guy who knows the
effect he has on gay men and he enjoys tormenting/prick-
teasing the gay guys who've been ogling him since he moved
in next door.

So what do you do about it, MOAN? Since it wouldn't be very
neighborly of you to hit on your next door neighbor's
boyfriend (who probably isn't interested anyway), I would
advise you to sit back and enjoy the show. HB has you two
figured out -- and he doesn't sound very shy. If he's up
for a little "man play" (ugh to that phrase, by the way)
the next time his girlfriend is away, he'll invite himself