Faerie Onyx

... blah ...

I went clothes shopping with my mom at Kohl's today after
school. I found some really cute (but REALLY preppy)
clothes, and I tried them on. After tryin on the first
shirt and being VERY unsatisfied with the way it looked, I
tried on the second. That one looked even worse. My breasts
looked TINY, even in comparison with me, and my stomach
looked HUGE

Any self-confidence I had just melted away and now I no
longer feel AT ALL pretty. And I COULD try to blame it on
thanksgiving, but that won't work since I didn't EAT on
thanksgiving... ::glares:: I wish I could stop eating
again... but I can't. It doesn't work for some odd reason.
I wish it would. I don't WANT to be fat like the rest of my
family. That's one of my worst fears. Behind crowds of
people (where I almost pass out), and (number one) being
alone and unloved. Which most people would tell me could
never happen, but often it feels as though no one really
cares if I live or die (except for Falcon, of course).

And by of course, I mean that she's the person who has been
there for me no matter what since sixth grade. She didn't
wig out when I turned gothic like most of my other friends.
So far she's my truest friend (which is y i love her) and
I hope that I can be as good of a friend to her as she has
been to me.

Anyway, I've decided that I won't even TRY buying clothes
until I lose AT LEAST ten pounds. Which will take a while
for me since I have no fucking self-control. ::cries:: I
wish I did though, because if I had some self-control, then
I wouldn't have gotten fat in the first place. blah... I
hate being fat. And I'm not really THAT fat. I'm 5 foot 1
(I think I grew almost an inch ^.^) and I weigh about 110.
But I guess what matters is that I FEEL fat, and that's not
good, I guess.

~faerie