Kyden Conformity

self destruction introduction
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2001-08-24 22:20:22 (UTC)

monday...maybe. probably.

I'm starting to get better. yesterday I only threw up twice
as opposed to my average of 8 per day.
My room is beginning to reform as my own and my feline
companion has been following me everywhere, I assume it's
so I can't dash out the door and not return for a week.

Steph called and somehow the axis of my world shifted at
the sound of her voice. We both heard the distant tone in
my voice, my pride hurt. I said goodbye without working out
things but felt so low, I know she felt confused and my
sudden aloofness.

She called me back that evening drunk and asked me if I was
angry with her I almost denied but thought better of it and
told her I was. She was concerned, more concerned than I
would maybe expected of her. I told her only part of the
reason I was angry at her, feeling somehow embarrassed that
the real reason was that she only emailed me once.
She understood the part reason and gave me her apologies
telling me of her inadequacies when speaking her
needs/feelings. I said it was ok.

She said that usually she finds fault in people within the
first days of meeting them, she hadn't found any fault with
me and it had been a few months, she saw my failings but no
major flaws. I grin. We part on better terms.

She phones me back drunker still and I wish that she
hadn't. I can't communicate with her as I'm not
intoxicated, she asks me if I still like her and I tell her
yes. She's drunk and sentimental but I don't want to hear
her wine tainted words of affection.

In the morning, the following day I goto visit her like a good
girlfriend would, having not seen her for a week. And she looked so
great and attractive and kissing her sent me into a daze, but it
wasn't to last. Before an hour had passed she told me she kissed
someone else at the party, something shattered. I could hear her
talking on but I couldn't listen to her, the anger boiled inside of
me and it was all I could do to stay calm and leave I don't really
remember leaving. I walked round until the desire to kill and maim
had passed and I could see properly and the blind rage had passed.

I decided that if I were to be mature I should return to her and talk
to her for if I didn't I would surely never speak with her again. I
know that we decided on non-monogamy but the circumstances hurt me so
much. Not seeing her for days and being ill. I already felt as though
she didn't care and then this just confirmed it for me. but foolishly
I returned under the guise of being mature and not 'really' caring.