The Muffin Man

I know what I want...

And I cant have it. I wont things to be like they were
last year. I was so fucking naivie and care free. Now Im
just all mad and cynical. Oh well. I remember last year
round december how I was so anxious. I couldnt wait.
Cause I had something to look foward to it. It made life
so much better having something to look foward to. Now its
just sorta blah. I dont have that someone coming to visit
me this year. That someone that gave me so much hope and
joy. I dont have someone to share my love with like i did
last decemeber and ive just been turned off by the whole
christmas thing this year. I know it wasnt much but last
december those few days I spent with trika they were
amazing. And I just wanna feel that way again. To be able
to crawl into somebodies arms and have them hold me. Let
me I really am love. Give me a sense of security even if
it is false. I dont care if only fools feel safe. I felt
so safe in her arms and it was just an amazing feeling.
Trika was so good to me last year and there is just no way
that this christmas will be anything like last. I dont
have anything to look foward to. Maybe thats why I havent
slept lately. Maybe thats why I cant get over this looming
depression. Maybe I just want to feel loved again. But
when ever im home people tend to yell at me or push me
away. Their is no feeling of love in this house. Just
anger. I dont wanna be yelled at. When I seclude myself
in my room its cause i cant stand being home. I need to
feel happy again and I just dont know how to anymore.
*Sigh* Why did things have to get even more complicated
then they were last year? Last year I was happy just to
see and hold trika. Now im never happy. It sucks. I know
I bitch like my life sucks. It doesnt suck. Its just
hard. Im going through a lot and I just dont know how to
handle it. Maybe its all a part of growing up. Who knows
but it hurts. And I want things to be like they never will
again. I could write a novel about my life. Wouldnt that
be interesting. All the makings for a good novel right
here in this journal. Well I've got a term paper to finsih.

-Matt-