2001-08-24 19:25:25 (UTC)

i feel weird. tonight driving..

i feel weird.
tonight driving home from working i starting thinking. just
about everything nothing in particular. and i almost cried.
and then i got mad. and i didnt. ive been getting so angry
recently. and that is so not me. at all. i dont ever do
that...im upset. something is wrong. i just dont understand
what the hell is with my life. why NOTHING is EVER just
okay. really. the ONE day i FUCKING feel like that. you
know. what the FUCK happens to mess it up. i get fucking
robbed by some stupid penis with a pistol. you know.
ironic. its just so circumstancial and fucked up. and
fucking everyone i love is so fucked up. and there is
nothing i can fucking do. i feel like im just fucking
sitting here watching everyone be unhappy and do stupid
about it. NOTHING. and its making me mad. my mom is SO
fucking fucked up. and now im not even home to make sure
shes okay. im NEVER home. never. and i CANT be because when
i am im just upset and threatened and treated like shit
from my dad. i cant be in that situation. but i love her so
much. its just so fucked up. i feel liek i dont have time
to take care of MYSELF anymore. i never have. i never do.
im not concerned with that. you know. theres too much other
more important stuff for me to be paying attention to. and
like...i just want everything to be okay. fucking you know.
and i have NO time anymore. i dont fuckign sleep. i drink
coffee. i work. i go to school. i spend time with emily and
my mom when i can. i spend the vast majority of my life
doing things that i DONT want to be doing. and i just dont
know what to do anymore...im unhappy right now. and im
pissed. and i feel so apatheic towards it all. everything.
a fuckgin GUN is in my face and i dont even cry. i DIDNT
fucking cry. and everyone is all like ohhh youre such a
strong person blahblah youre "one tough motherfucker" as i
was told by my boss. or how bout "youre the toughest chick
ive fucking ever heard of" but dont you SEE that is NOT a
fucking GOOD thing. what the FUCK is wrong with me. im just
MAD. im not even sad. i wasnt even that fucking scared. i
was just like, oh well. its out of my hands oh fucking
well. what the HELL man. what is wrong with me. why am i
being so weird im so confused. im not fuckign feeling
anything but confusing and apathy and im UPSET because im
NOT upset about all this shit. my dad. this shit. drugs.
jennifer. shaun. fucking its just liek my brain has cut off
and is like, yeah. its all going to suck. just get used to
it and ignore it. and that is so not a good thing. i
fuckign hate what this stupid fucking world has done to me.
fuck this.