"Leben ist ein Weibchen."
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2002-12-02 13:14:24 (UTC)

The original reason for opening this page...

Hey ummm... me. Well where better to start than the
beginning? Umm...OK here goes nothing. Well when I was a
kid, I had a normal life. Older brother, caring parents,
and to top it off I was spoiled. My mom was never around
much because she worked second shift as a costodian, and my
dad was always there to do everything and more for me. He
was the best father I could ever have. My mom spoiled me
because that was her way of making me be closer to her, or
to love her more, I don't know. Well, I'll just say I was a
daddy's girl.
My brother and I were the worst of enemies for years
upon years. I hated him so bad that I would go out of my
way to get him in trouble, and to piss him off. Well, when
I was 8, he was 15...and he got into drugs hardcore,
dealing, and gangs, all of that bogus shit. Well he did
acid and had a bad trip, and instead of fessing up to the
fact that it was the drugs that were making him act the way
he did, he told everyone he was crazy. He ended up being
picked up by the police and taken to a mental hospital 3
hours away. He stayed there for 8 months. That's were it
all began.
Once I hit 12, I became an anerexic pothead/drunk. My
brother and I managed to somehow make up, and he made sure
that he was the man who helped me get drunk and high.
Well.. I was a straight "A" student until then, and when I
got into that, my grades started dropping and I ended up
dropping out in the 8th grade.
My mom was diagnosed with Rhuematoid Arthritis around
that time and she had to take off work to heal and get the
carpotunel surgery done. We became closer in all the time
we spent together, and my dad started going to the bars. He
slowly became addicted to the scene and the alcohol. I hit
my rebellious stage when I was 13. I made my mom almost
suicidal from all the shit I was doing, and my parents
slowly grew apart, each convinced that they were the
influence of my rebellious stage.
My friends stole from me and my family all the time. We
were all push-overs I suppose. I told my parents that I
wanted to leave that scene, and my mom decided we would
make the move from Wausau, Wisconsin, to Grand Junction,
Colorado because my sister and my brother both lived in
Denver (my brother moved there the year before) but my mom
hated that city, so we moved to the city farthest away from
it but yet big enough to have an air port. I was beaten and
raped the month before we left, and we didnt press charges
on the guy because that would mean we would have to stay
for court, and my mom needed to get the hell out of there.
The sick bastard gave me chlamidia, and I did get it
treated, but the pain I suffered from that will always be a
scar in my soul.
We made it to Grand Junction safe and sound, and we
began our new lives. A year after living here and making a
life among the crowd, my dad started drinking more heavily
everyday behind our backs. He now had alzheimers disease
and is still a big alcoholic. My mom got fed up with his
lieing and his drinking and made the decision of divorcing
him. I only broke down once even though I hid the pain deep
deep insdide. Every time i heard her say "You're nothing
more than a stupid alcoholic" and walk away in hate for
him, I cried so hard inside. Where did the dad who raised
me go?
I hid behiind my controlling boyfriend, Brick, and my
music. I had been with Btick for 9 months, and 8 of those
months were nothing but put-downs and decieving lies. I
loved him though, so I thought I had it good even through
the shit he put me through. I was so stupid.
I ended up moving to Denver with my mom while I left
the life that i had made for myseld behind, and my dad. I
stayed there for two weeks and got lonely. So I got back to
Junction, and tried to pretend like my life was notmal.
That brings us to mom doesnt want me back in
Denver because I yelled at her first husband, and my dad
says that I'm "cramping his style", so he doesnt want me
here either. The only reason why I'm staying is because my
best friend, Brandy, helps me feel better about myself,
even though she doesnt know what kind of horrible thoughts
run through my head, she's my angel.
I left out one very important detail. I have had a
swollen liver fot the past year and a half, and I have a
bad gall bladder. I went to numerous doctors in this city
and finally one decided to take action and start helping
me. Too bad he was a dumbass, and he gave me so many
experimaental drugs for problems I didn't have that he
ended up messing up my digestive system. My skin is
beginning to turn yellow, and there is never a moment in
the day when I dont feel sick anymore. I want to go back to
Denver really bad so I can get a good doctor and so I can
be healthy for the first time in a year and a half, but the
only thing keeping me back is my mom saying "yeah, you
should stay there longer, its not a good idea that you come
back yet". I'm so scared and confused...I dont know what to
do...stay, go????? God help me.
I have been single for a little over 4 months now, and
its not like I dont have any guys to go out with, its just
that ever since Brick, my standards have raised so high to
the point where its almost impossible for me to be
interested in guys anymore. I feel this great big empty
HOLE in my soul, and it's because I'm yearning for someone
to love, who will love me hurts how bad I want
that, but I can't make myself like someone just because I'm
lonely. I wish, but no. I can find something wrong with
evey guy. I read my horoscope for today, and 2 western
astrology ones, and a chinese one all said that I was going
to meet the man of my dreams today... and low and behold, I
still dont like anyone enough to go out with them. I have
lost almosy all hope, but I seriously hope for happieness
someday soon... I'm sure God will give me that when the
time is right. At least I sure hope so...

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