PunkLemonade

Sometimes I Wonder If I Just Need Profes
2002-12-02 07:05:10 (UTC)

Relationships

As I continually get older and grow more and more aware of
my surroundings, I feel as though I am officially behind
all my friends in many ways.

I am still extremely dependent on my parents. I have only
worked one job in my entire life. Even that was just so I
could have experience and some additional spending money
from what I already recieve.

Even further than that is my relations with the opposite
sex.

Whenever I talk to someone from highschool, being two years
later, I constantly hear of marriage.
Either someone is living with their significant other, they
are in love, they are engaged or they are already married.

Here I am in the opposite corner of the room, with almost a
clean record. Never having had a serious relationship or
even a real boyfriend, since well forever.

Now I know it is only myself to blame for not being
experienced in this area. I know I have a severe problem
with commitment or letting anyone in in my little defense
bubble. But this is all due to good reason.

I have seen people get hurt in relationships many times.

I have seen people heartbroken and used.

I dont want to be like that, and I most likely never will
keeping my distance from people as I do so well.

Yet, the funny thing is I am constantly imagining myself in
those kinds of relationships. And the truth is that I want
one, badly. I am almost dependent on it, which truthfully
horribly sad.

I have, in all the years I have been alive, been sure to
always be the one who will never be dependent on anyone
(although ironically I am, much so, right now. I have never
wanted another person to validate what kind of person I am.
And up at the top of my list is always wanting to beat or
show that I am just as good as any male out there, in
whatever I do.

Yet there still is this constant struggle between the two
opposing sides.

Being in a relationship and giving my feelings and emotions
to another person, possibly getting hurt, but possibly
being completely happy.

Or being safe and never letting myself feel hurt...and
knowing that my happiness will never come from anyone else
only myself. Thus knowing that I may never be completely
happy with life...because there always was that if in my
life.




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