Starz

The Life and Times of Myself
2002-12-02 02:07:01 (UTC)

Whirlpools Of All Kind

Ahhh, depression is lurking in the shadows of my existance
once more and theres nothing there to stop its pain
crenching wrath. What a wonderful life to lead, i must
say...

Okay, look, this is it...since i like to lay everything
down in the open, this is how i see it. My life is getting
more complicated and more conjested with problems by the
moment. Nothing seems right anymore. I always seem to
second guess my thoughts. What i mean by that is sometimes
it seems that i'm not me, like i am looking down from a
second persons point of view but blind and deaf to whats
really going on only adnologeing what i really think i see.
(in the end it all winds up the same though...i see
nothing.)I bet you dont understand. To tell you the truth i
dont fully understand whats going on either and to make
matters worse i dont even know what the root problem is. so
if something is wrong but you dont know what it is how
would you go about fixing it. I sometimes wish that i was
someone else so that i could meet "Natalie" in person and
see how "I" or "she" really is. I think that i do things
alot that seems to be a reflex i dont really relize what
i'm doing untill someone says something about it. I mean
someone will say that i do something all the time yet i
have no realection of me doing anything of the sort.
personally i think thats pretty messed up. How could i not
be aware of what i am doing? The thought actully scares
me...I mean think of the possibilities...what could
something like that lead to? That means that i put myself
on a personal level of danger daily without haveing a
defese for myslef because i didnt know that i was on like
line. Thats fucked up. Seriously. That scares me about
myself. And another thing that has been messing with my
life is my anger issues. I have been blowing up over
anything and everything lately. I was never quite this bad
before... I dont know where all my agression is comming
from either...I have no idea of the source so, again, how
would i go about fixing something like that? Am i really
that of an uphappy person? Do i have this deep isssue thats
eating away at my thoughts that causes me to bottle up so
much anger without me even relizng that causes me explode
so quickly? I dont know. I dont have an answer... How much
worse off can i get? its like i'm caught in the middle of
an emotional whirlpool, i'm tring so hard to hide whats
really wrong with me that i dont even know anymore myself.
With each day that passes i get sucked in closer and
closer, faster and faster into the middle of the whirpool,
(like how if you were getting a bath in the bathtub and you
want to get out you pull the plug to the drain and when you
do that you see all the water rushes to the front of the
tub where the drain is and theres so much water in the tub
the drain cant take all of it down in one glup so inturn
the drain takes a whole buch of little gulps and when it
does that the water twists and bends and moves in a
circular motion til' everything is down.)If you dont know
what i'm taling about get a bath and try it. Uhh...i dont
wanna talk about this anymore, i'm tired and sick and i
have a few calls to make so i'll catch you all next
time...and by the way thanks for all your comments you left
in my diary...i like hearing what you all have to say and
what you think. It interets me, for real. Keep them
comming, and thanks

Good Night

~Starz




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