I called Shawn this morning and he was upset. He talked to
Beth and she told him that I was so happy with Tony and
this and that, but the last time I talked to her was almost
two weeks ago and she has no idea what's been going on
since then. I don't want Tony. I realized tonight when I
couldn't even stand to let him touch me. Sure he can buy
me lots of material objects, but only Shawn knows right now
how to make me feel the way I need to feel. Important,
loved cared for, missed, intelligent, beautiful. All Tony
does is tell me no don't do that or don't drive there or
what not. Shawn is...All I know is her swears in a few
months he will be up here with me. I sure hope so. I told
him I'm scared that he is lying just because he's lonely.
He's scared he's going to do all this and come to a new
place and me tell him to fuck off. I would never do that.
I'm trying to figure out how to get Tony to leave me so I
won't want to puke every time he touches me or gives me a
sloppy kiss. Shawn cries now, he never did before. He is
feeling the exact same way I am. Frusrated and alone, and
constantly wondering and unable to consentrate on things.
I just hope to God that he is going to finally follow
through with this. He swears that he's made too many
promises to give up now. Chicago would be good for him. A
new place, better money. I just wish I could take him a
few of our friends and runaway to never-never land and stay
there. Happy and together with no worries forvever, but
then I come back to reality and realize that will never
happen. But we can work as hard as possible to try to
attain it with each other.