Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
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2002-12-01 18:54:14 (UTC)

Dream

I had a damn good dream this morning. I was staying
somewhere with John and Dave. For some reason the three of
us were sharing a huge bed. Anyway John got up and took a
shower first leaving Dave and I to lounge on the bed.

I decided to lounge topless. He had slept with his shirt
off. Dave asked me about why I was exposing myself to him.
He asked what I was doing it for and I said I didn't know,
I just did it. Anyway, we cuddled and snuggled and kissed
until we heard the shower turn off and I put my top back on.

It was a really fun dream.

Well, as I predicted last night I cried myself to sleep. It
was a bit different than I imagined though. The thought
suddenly hit me that maybe he had thought about committing
suicide and taken steps toward doing it. I know I have done
that once.

I got so worried that he might really have tried to commit
suicided and I wouldn't know about it. I truely have no
idea how down and depressed he was last week. All I know
was he wouldn't talk to me about it.


I guess I didn't write about that. I think it was Tuesday night. I
got home from class and Cal rushed me into her room to read the
conversation she and Dave were having. He had said something about
removing himself from the gene pool. He was really really depressed
about something. He just kept saying he'd done something stupid, but
she couldn't get out of him what was stupid.

I hopped on my computer to talk to him and he was away from his. I
got really worried to the point that I was ready to drive over to his
place and see if he was ok. For some reason I was going to skip the
whole calling him thing. About that time he came back to his computer.

I asked if he was doing ok and he said some short answer like he was,
but not doing great. Anyway, I told him Cal was worried and I had
read their conversation. Then he got pissed kinda and said something
like fuck I didn't want you to know about that.

I was so taken back by his statement. He didn't want me to know about
him feeling suicidal. I know he's told me once or twice before when
he's been like that. What made this time any different? Why was this
time worse than the others? Why did he feel it was so bad he couldn't
tell me?

I began to wonder last night if his not telling me meant that he might
have tried something drastic or at least seriously contemplated
suicide. That made my cry so hard last night. The thought that he
could be in serious trouble and I would have no clue scared me. I
don't mean to say I know him inside and out or anything. Infact I
think what I know about him is actually very little. There is a ton I
don't know and may never know.

I wonder what my dream meant. I mean it's the first time I dreamed
about casual fooling around with Dave. The only other dream I can
remember where it was just him and I we were fucking on a kitchen
table somewhere. That one was like a 15 second clip that kept poping
up in between dreams one night. That was a long time ago.

I am hoping that Dave will at least come online sometime today. Even
if it is after I have gone back to school. Then maybe I can tell him
I feel like he doesn't want to see me. It feels that way right now.
I mean we planned to get together for drinking and he didn't come. We
said we wanted to do something while I'm home and he made no attempt
to get together. What am I supposed to assume from that?

It's one thing to not drive the 2 hours to see me at school. It's a
whole different thing for me to be like 30-45 minutes away from him
and he doesn't make any real attempt to see me. He did want to do
something on Thursday, but he bagged on that. Does he think that is
enough???

I hope I'm not going more nuts over this than I need to. I don't
think I am though. I want to see my friend and he seemes to be the
road block in my way.


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