My Reality
2002-12-01 04:41:42 (UTC)


Sure thats what i will call it..i am disappointed that i
didnt hear from josh over break..i am disappointed that he
couldnt even call, i am disapopinted that he just
seemingly forgot that he had said we would make time to
see each other over break....
im not mad, adn i dont think i am angry, just a lil put
off...i had been counting down the days until i could see
him i had packed a large amount of cute lil sexy clothes
and lingerie just for him..i had to lug around condoms and
birth control and spermicide and all the crap that goes
along with having sex....i spent the past two days hoping
he would call and constanting checking my messages, i got
up early this morning and dolled up to look like a stone
cold fox in hopes that i would hear from him today and i
would drive down to see him and he would be just as amzing
as he always has been and would sweep me off my feet...
you wanna know what i spent the day doing
instead....worrying and waiting...i spent the day holding
the phone in one hand and holding tissue in the other
because i knew it had all been a waste of time, bc there
was no way in hell i was actually going to get to see
ok so i know it sounds like i am not im just so
disappointed and sad that i let myself get caught up in bugs me that i let this get to me...i mean i
should be really understanding..and in a way i am...i
found out he was working today, so i can justify why he
didnt have time..thats fine..i am sure he needs the money
with the holidays coming up, but geez has he ever heard of
a phone..has he ever tried to leave an offline
message?..anything?...yeah so i am a little bitter....
all of my friends knew about this, they have all been
asking about him for weeks now, and i know when i go back
to school the first things i am going to hear are gonna be
questions about how my night with josh
i just miss him so much, i mean even if he couldnt fit in
getting to see me...would a phone call have been too
much?..i havent talked to him in a month now....hell i got
to talk to his dad his brother, and listen to his
answering machine...and god let me mention i loved getting
to hear his voice on that ust drives me sexy voice...but anywho, i have a better
relationship with his family than i do with him right
dont get me wrong, i knew that us being apart would be
hard, but come wouldnt be so hard if he tried a
little bit harder...i wouldnt cry as much and i wouldnt be
the one waiting one should have to wait
around...its not fair...
im also starting to get a little worried bc when something
big is about to happen he usually stops talking to me for
a while...he will stop talking to me for a week or two and
then moving or bam im dating someone else or bam
we cant talk any more bc its too hard....he pulls these
things out of the ar and slaps me in the face with them
and all of the horrible things that could be coming my way
keep running threw my head right now...maybe he slept with
someone maybe he is dating someone maybe he isnt moving
back maybe he doesnt like me any more...i mean i know it
sounds pyscho.. i just try to prepare myself for anything
that way it softens the blow when he smacks me upside the
head with a little heartbreak....
i love him and i know he doesnt try to hurt me on
purpose..i mean right now jsut him trying to get his life
in order and to the point that he wants is kinda killing
me...i respect it and i want to give him all the time and
the space that he needs, but at the same time i jsut wanna
say stop it right now and come love me because i miss you
so fucking much that it literally hurts when i think about
you becasue alli wanna do is wrap myself around you and
never let go, i want to squeeze you really tight and
whisper in your ear how much i love you and tell you
everything that you mean to me...i want to kiss you for
hours and touch and tickle his body..i want to make love
to him all night long and show him just how much i have
missed him..i want him to feel all of the love i feel for
him everyday..i want him to know how much he means to me
and how much he i son my mind and in my heart....
im so frustraated...i even had a gift for him...i really
wanted to give it to him..i was so proud of myself...i
found this book that just screamed josh the minute i saw
it so i got it and wrote a little inscription in the cover
telling him how i hoped he succeeded in what he was doing
and that i knew he would make it...i really wanted him to
have it now...i mean its probably going to be one of those
situations where giving the gift to that person means more
to you than the person receiving it, but who cares...i
just want to do something nice for him..let him know i
support him in his struggle and tell him that even if no
one else wants this for him..i do..i want to be his
personal cheerleader, nd i want him to kno that i feel in
all of my body that he can make it. i have nothing but
faith in him....
im not mad and im not angry, just disaapointed and maybe a
little seems like everyone else gets a piece
of him...i feel like its my turn..i mean i just wanted one
night...god i love him....i try and push it away and
pretend that i dont think he is perfect and pretend like i
am over him and pretend that i can move on but i really of the best tip of the top he is the best in
my eyes and i think i deserve the ready for ready for ready for some sort of answer to
the semi in between thing that we are...when he calls we
are great together i swear its like we are a couple and
when we are apart..i am like a wounded puppy..i dont know
how he feels about it, but i ahve a feeling he misses me
every now and least id like to think so...i mean
come on now...i am his porn...he has to think of me a
little...hehe...I'M HIS PORN..did i mention that..i lvoe
that he loves to see me undressed...that just gets me off
right there...i get turned on by the fact that i turn him
on....god i had so many things i wanted to do to him this
weekend..i had so much energy just for him....maybe
christmas will give me btter luck...i mean i am house
sitting for a few days while the folks are away would
be amazing if he could stay with me...have him all to
myself...although and i know this sounds stupid, i was
begining to like the idea of a hotel almost
made things a little more romantic...anywho, with hope and
alil faith, i am leaving now...gotta mope and whine
elsewhere hands are getting tired