ultimateEMOgurl

So much for my happy ending...
2002-12-01 04:09:35 (UTC)

Man i was an idiot

I was just readin the diary entry that i wrote after jeff
broke up with me...and i realized how stupid i was. I mean
i was sayin how selfish he was and what not...but now that
i realli think about it...i was the selfish one. I mean
seriously. Well i guess i cant really say that cuz i didnt
know what i know now...but its like i feel so bad. I mean
now that i think about it he did it becuase he didnt want
to hurt me and he didnt want to drag me into his problems.
Ya i can see how he wouldnt but in a way i wish he had. cuz
like then i could be there for him. But you know what i
think he has a fear of that. Well not really a fear but its
new to him...since he has never really had anyone there for
him like i am now. So in a since it scares him...and he
doesnt know how to handle it. I remember him sayin
sumthin..."all these if's" hes right...there are so many
if's in our rela and that really sucks...i mean i dont want
them to be if's i want them to be a reality...but in that
way i guess i am selfish. I mean i know he wants to be with
me and loves me and all that but its like then why....but
hten i think about it and i know the answer. Its just so
hard. And then when i hear things from my friends...i mean
i know he means nothin by it thats just the way he is...but
it still hruts just the same. But i feel bad i hate to
bring things up like this...i mean its hard. I was also
readin the entry about when i told him that i was upset
with him and when he told me that i needed to tell him
whenever i was upset with him...hahaha easier said than
done. i think the only reason i did it then was cuz i was
mad at him...and its differnt now. So anyways...ya things
are just so messed up....and i hate it. But all i know is
that one day things will work out...i just need to know
when that one day will be :)




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