humming bird

my F***ed up head
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2002-11-30 17:41:56 (UTC)

what do i want?

nikki and megan are sleeping and would rather sleep then
go see one of their friends in the hospital. its good to
know that if i'm ever in there they'll go out of their way
to see me NOT. but yeah so anywayz- i realized something
this morning but now i just dont know what to do. here's
the dilemma- i want a boyfriend, i want a real
relationship. i want the up's and downs, the arguments and
the making up, the restrictions, the kissing and holding
and knowing that im the only one they want- that they
actually care about me, i want the whole having to work out
my schedule so i still see my girls and my bf- i want all
the good and bad things that come with a relationship and i
havent wanted that in a long time...now ur thinking, whats
so confusing about that? well i know im not gonna get a
real relationship out of pat, and part of me wants to tell
him that im not gonna do the whole friends with benefits
thing all over again and not do anything with him anymore-
but there are two problems with that, i still like him and
i dont want to loose all those guys becuz of it. no matter
what i do i'm sacrificing alot and its not that i want like
everything my way and that i'm not willing to sacrifice
things, its just that- for the past year thats all i've
been doing. im always the one that goes the extra mile
while the other one sits on his ass and doesnt do shit. and
then here is another problem, part of me wants to see if i
could have a relatioship with kyle arnold but then there
are a couple problems with that- one- kyle andpat like use
to be friends. two- do i take the chance of telling kyle i
like him? i mean what if he doesnt like me, then everything
is gonna be weird until the end of the semester and- three-
would it work? like i mean yeah sure me and him click and
we get along and WE would work but it isnt that easy , it's
never that easy becuz we(meaning ONLY me and kyle) would
work but the REAL we wouldnt, becuz the real "we" includes
our friends, and we're not at the same social status- i'm
sure he has friends that wouldnt agree with it and i mean
would i be able to chill with him and his friends, like i
know he gets along with mine thats not the problem, but
what about his.... GOD see there are so many things wrong
w/ everything, but the only thing is if someone came up to
me and said "tell me your vision of perfect and i'll make
it all happen" i dont know what i would say, becuz i dont
know what i want- i mean say pat and kyle both liked me and
both wanted a relationship- what would i do? i mean i have
already had sex with pat so thats both a reason to choose
him and to not choose him cuz kyle would be new- a fresh
start and i could do things the way they r spsoe to happen
and not screw up and not move to fast and just do
everything the opposite of what i do normally....ugh-
whatever i gotta go eat- peace ~julz


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