Digital Hippy

One Thing 'Bout Music When It Hits Y
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2002-11-30 01:29:00 (UTC)

I am a greedy little bitch

At least i can admit that i am a greedy little bitch.
I am not in denial. I know it. I knew it all along. I
am a greedy little bitch. Or maybe... just maybe... i am
too generous... so when i am not generous, peoples
reactions are to think that i am being greedy when in
fact, i am being just as ungenerous as they are.
Week 3 of no talking to maurese... status is that i
really do not miss him. We had good times... true... but
we had more bad times then good ones. He gets on my
nerves, he mooches... and im glad its all done. We had
good times when he had a job and he was supporting
himself. Now he has become a meth head a bit, and he has
taken over my boyfriend, and he GAH... he frustrates me so
The clock keeps a ticking though, and times moves
on. I broke up with Jason tonight. I am still skeptical
as to weather or not it will last, but honestly i really
don't care. I am sooo sick of doing so much for him,
asking him for little favors, and having him tell me no.
I asked him to come to the mall, and he said no. I drove
out there to help him move though. Today i drove out
there after we had agreed that i would pick him up after
work and bring him back to my house for dinner, and then
jeanine and anthony's. I drove out there... 1 1/2 hours
out there... without complaining because i love him. He
fell asleep after i picked him up from work. I woke him
up and he told me that he was too tired and he felt
sick... so i had to drive 1 1/2 horus back to my house
empty handed. Along the way i called and dumped him. His
older brother called me back a few minutes later asking me
what i did to him. Then he scolded me n stuff telling me
that i didn't know what he was going through. I knew. I
cared. I just don't see why it has to be taken out on
me... and I had to stop it the only way i knew how. I
tried talking to him but it didn't work. He has a way of
twisting things around to make them sound like my fault,
when in fact i know they arent.
Breakup conversation:
L: I can't do this anymore Jason.
J: do what?
L: i can't waste my time
J: so i am a waste of your time?
L: i didn't say that. i said you waste my time.
J: so basically i am a waste of your time
L: alright whatever jason. you are a waste of my time.
Listen i am about to lose reception. let me let you run
J: alright i will call you later tonight
L: don't call me for a few days. Better yet i'll call you
J: what do you mean? are we breaking up?
L: I am done. I can't do this anymore. We are done.
:::::crying noises:::::

yeah then i started to feel bad. the future is up in the
air. I love him. I really do... but i am not sure if
love will be enough for this one. He really has to get
his life together for this to work. Show some sort of
ambition... but i don't know if i even care anymore. I
know i do, but you can only get hurt so much...
I went to this party called utopia in new york the
night before thanksgiving with liam. That is the night
that really made me think. I know i am not a drug addict,
but i am sick of being so involved with shit. I want to
take a break and just take stackers for a while @
parties. No more coke... meth every now and then. K
every now and then. Weed and alcohol are alright. That
is my rule. I will see how that goes. I don't want to
become a drug addict. Pills every month or so... not
every 2 weeks. Fucks with your emotions to much... i
partied in new york completly sober and it felt great.
I also realized that i am not as generous as i used to
be, but that i am losing friends as a direct result of
this. Lisa gave me a cold shoulder at utopia and has not
been calling me in a while. She is mad at me cuz the acid
marq was selling didn't make it her trip, but it made
everybody else trip... shitty. Maurese for the obvious
reason... this kid rich cuz he made me drive back from
reading to give him this book that it is partially his
fault i had not realizing that he needed it. Am i a
bitch, a bitter hag, or can people just not deal with
me??? with this in mind, im off to a party.

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