Cosmic Rain
Ad 2:
2002-11-29 08:53:11 (UTC)


I need a new project. Something that will totally and
utterly consume me. And actually take over all my mental
thoughts and trash them. And my only thought will be on
this new project. Whatever it might be. Something big.
Something that requires my thinking and then all of this
would be easier. I'm realising, I really, really, really
loved her. Through it all, it was totally and utterly
genuine. And wow you forget how much it all really hurts
when things end. Things with dickwad hurt. They hurt
differently. The moment it ended my emotions stopped. No
more love or anything for this person I'd spent four wasted
years with. But with Melissa, I can't turn anything off. Is
like the tap handle is broken and it wont stop pouring out.
I think about her all the time. I catch myself before I
talk to her on the phone, that I can't slip and I can't
expect too much. Like when she wants to stop talking then I
can't ask for a little longer or change the topic to keep
her there a little longer. I don't want to make her feel
awkward. I can't tell her anymore I still love her. I'm
trying to stop with the I miss you's. And there is not a
hope in hell of even going near the "I want you back" I've
been overun with emotions and I do keep thinking I want her
back. It's just something that will never happen. I don't
want to lose her friendship because I can't deal with it
and I don't want to make her feel bad or uncomfortable
because I'm not doing a very good job of letting go. So I
zip my lips, but my mind races with thoughts. Whenever I'm
on the phone I think of her, while I talk to her. Things
she's done, things she said. I think about when I was there
and how I wish I could go back there. How doing that had
been such a big leap out of my universe and how when I was
sitting on the bus that I was prepared to do this more. Put
money aside for more trips. Make the effort to keep seeing
her in the flesh because I did want it to work. But I know
that isn't meant to be. And mentally I start to accept it,
but this other thing. This other emotion inside hasn't.
It's weird. This feeling. It's like a new growth or
something that doesnt exist ever when you are with someone,
but soon as you lose them it grows. It gets feed and grows.
Like a new companion, but not a nice one. One that reminds
you of what you have just lost. And for the life of me I
can't get rid of it. I try and focus on something else.
Something that will distract me and soon as that stops it's
still there pulsing. Whatever this thing
is...Loss..heartbreak...I guess it's heartbreak...It amazes
me...I have not felt like this for the longest of longest
times. I don't even remember the last time. Well I felt it
to a lesser degree the first time she wanted to leave. But
it didn't stay because we got back together. Now that I
know that's not happening it's hanging around. I knew there
was love inside of me for her, but sometimes I don't think
I realised it was that big. Because where that love was is
this thing. This fullness, but emptyness. This new growth
that has consumed my entire chest. And it sits heavy. It
really just sits there. And I'm not thinking as I write,
I'm just writing. I just realised I have not done any
paragraphs. I usually do, but it's a stream of thought. I
want her in my life. I want her friendship. I don't want to
lose that. I hate how that happens. Where you can feel so
intensely for someone and then soon as it's over it all
gets lost. I don't want to lose it, but I want to lose this
feeling. I want to function without this overiding need to
gobble her all up with snuggles and wake up as if it was
all one big nightmare and it didn't really ever happen.
Last night on the phone felt a little like that. She
started to fall asleep and I listened like I used to always
do and I felt comfortable. She never really understood why
I didn't just hang up. Could never really explain it
either. It was just something. Something I liked. Because
she'd nearly always wake up and say something that made me
laugh. Something silly because of her dream state...And I'd
say how maybe she should hang up and sometimes she'd think
she was more awake and say "No Pinkle I'm here, don't hang-
up" so i wouldn't and she'd go back off to sleep again. It
was cute and funny and I adored the way she said pinkle,
cause it really felt like it was full of love. I liked
those moments, cause they were mine and I could sit in
annoyingly slow traffic, I could sit in front of a computer
after it's 13th frustrating crash, I could leave the room
after a heated word with Mat and I could remember something
silly Melissa did the night before. And it would make me
smile and laugh. It grounded me sometimes. They were little
moments no matter what was happening I could still remember
and have them. And each night it might be something new to
make me smile. And I guess if you're not me you wouldn't
understand it, like she never really fully understood it.
We all have our quirky likes about the person we love. That
was just one of mine. And I've lost that now. It can't be
mine again. Whoever captures Melissa's heart I hope they
get those moments. I guess now I just have to be thankful
that I had them. And I am. But it hurts. It's a bugger that
it does and has to before it gets better. And writing
helps. Getting this all down helps. And not thinking about
what I write helps. Just write it. Get it out there and not
care. I have a year to finish and I want to finish it. Get
through it. So there is no point letting it sit and boil
away on the inside. I still love her dearly. I can admit
that. I'd like to tell her that. But I wont now. I'm sure
she prolly knows it. Sometimes, no matter what the sitution
whatever is happening it is nice to know that you are
loved. Anyway I can feel a paragraph coming on so I will
post this extended thought ramble. And copy and paste it
into word before I do incase this doesn't post for then I'l
be one pissed off bitch and the entry will become FUCKING

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