Welcome to own demise
2002-11-29 08:25:12 (UTC)

I saw kathryn s link to her..

I saw kathryn's link to her diary thing, and the whole idea
realy appeals to me.

You know how... when sometimes you just don't feel like
talking to anyone, and you wish everyone would just leave
you alone..... yeah... I kinda feel like that.... only... I
dont know.
I think my problem is....i DONT know what i feel. I dont
feel much of anything, yet everything all at once. I'm so
tired of dealing with this dayin day out shit. I hate my
school. I try so hard not to hate anything bc im a firm
believer in karma, and whatnot..yea.....i hate my school.
i'll say it now, ill say it a million times, ill scream it
all day long maine south high school, is a horrible place.
I;m so tired of these suburban barbie dolls with more money
than they know what to do wiht, and everyone assuming that
just bc i live here... im rich too... im not. not everyone
in park ridge is rich damn it
im in massachusetts now, spending time with my mother and
siblings.....guillermo wants nothing more than to spend
every waking hour with his girlfriend, which is totally's a shame how gabi is. she has so much
potential to really be an awesome kid, and she pisses it
all away bc she needs to be the boss. shes so bitchy and
sassy to everyone, s orders my mother around too, i wish i
could hit her, but i cant.
Thats another thing, lately, ive been wanting to hit
someone, i want to be in a fight. i know id lose, i cant
fight, but i dont care, i want to get beat, i want to wail
on someone so bad and just let all my anger out.
i catch myself having all sorts of twisted little fantasies
about just smashing my father in the face, or beating him
with his baseball bat. the bastard needs a beating. I wish
he would have found me when i was gone, ooh big bad ramon
and his big bad baseball bat. if he would have found me...
he would have tried to beat the boys, but there were 4
guys..... my dad would have definitely lost, and he would
have looked like an idiot being drunk chasing after kids
witha bat.
my mother and i had a long talk tonight, i missed her. im
glad i dont live here though. i couldnt make it a week with
them. anyhow, she told me that rebecca's mother told her
that she could do soemthing through the courts which makees
her house a "safe house" type place for me. so i could go
there anytime i want and my father could call the police
all he wants but they cant do anything bout it bc my mother
does afterall have the say so over me.
i've decided this summer, when i visit my mother, im going
to get my ged. we figure, if i do it while im here and i go
back, whats my dad gonna do? make me go to school.... HA
cute ramon.
oh that ramon. he's driving me insane. i wish i had some
bud right now. shit thats the last thing i need..... more
drugs. ive been such a pill popper lately, uppers int he
morning, downers at night.. i no longer have anycontrol of
anything, thanks to dr. castro. i cantget upset about
anything bc then he says i can move back to mass, i cant
get too happy bousething bc then hell know what he can
threaten to take away from me. im not allowed to see 2 of
my only friends. i do still have control over my body. i
mean like. ive been working out everyday, and i love it.
esp. when ive had some concerta, or some adderal. ohhh my
goodness, its such an awesome feeling. and for some reason
my stomach has become so weak. i can barely hold down
anything anymore.. i cant eat meals, i have to have little
bits of food spread through time... or ill feel sooo sick.
my skin is starting to act up again, thats pissing me off.
but its easily fixed... he cant take away my will of my
body, right? i dont even feel like a person anymore. the
last few years of my life have seened to hazey, but the
past few months, seem like a big dream. none of it seems
real. so hard to believe. i actually kind of disgust myself
a little bit.
one thing that has happened tho is gettin back in touch
with rebecca. oh lord i am so glad i did. she has been my
angel. she understands everything. shes so open minded and
optimistic, shes a beautiful person, inside and out, and im
soo happy shes my friend. granted, albert wants to bang
her... blah, who doesnt he want to get on.... but he never
will. rebecca and i have already discussed that one. heh.
im supposed to try to score some rolls while im out here...
i know where i can get some. or atelast, i know who i can
ask. i cant wait until i get my g.e.d. i hate high school.
i was really happy at st bens my soph. year... but
naturally, it was shortlived. im goin to their homecoming
next weekend tho.. i hope i have fun. i hope i can see
albert that weekend... or atleast talk tohiim... but seeing
him would be better, i want to roll with him again, i want
to roll again, i want to feel beautiful and perfect again.
i loved that we rolled together, it was just soo lovely. i
wish i could read minds... or atleast his. i really just
wishi was happy. i need a job. make some money so i can get
the fuck out of my dads place. fuck park ridge, fuck maine
south, fuck the god damned suburbs