once again
2001-08-23 04:55:50 (UTC)

banging head

Four months since the break up...almost two since the
move. I have no clue what I am doing. Shawn and his
promises. I miss lying in bed with him. I miss wearing
the ring. I miss the protection. I miss my old
restaurant. I really don't miss Florida because I grew up
in Chicago and this is my home, but my old life I miss.
Tony is unique...THe only way I know how to describe him.
He wants to take care of me and love me and I think if it
was different circumstances I would let him, only it's
not.. I left Florida to get away from the crap but as soon
as it occurs Shawn realizes what he lost. Now all I hear
is promises of he will be here to be with me again. Do I
hold my breath and put trust in him when for two years
that;s all I did and he ended up crushing me, or do I
forget, never call himagain and DEAL with Tony? I wish I
had a guide book to help me. Everyday that I speak to
Shawn I hang up crying and banging my head against a wall.
I wish I could transfer Flroida to Chicago. I'm lost.
Tony feels he can steer my life in the right direction but
he is an Italian strong minded man and I am an Italian
strong minded women. He want sme to surrender my life to
him but I am too independent to do that. Only I am
dependent an a man to bring me part of my emotional
standing. That's not right, I know but what else do I do
when for two years Shawn helped me and supported me in
every move of OUR life. Then one day he decided he needed
a BREAK and after being his shadow for a month I left. BUt
4 later and he is still as in love with me as day one and
he promises all these things and i don't know what to