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The Booklet of Mellissa Rae
2002-11-29 01:20:06 (UTC)

Thanksgiving

Its thanksgiving at my grandmothers today. She has an
amazing amount of food, which no one can finish, and very
little space in which we must sit while she goes and gets
everything for you. Why? Because you are the child, she is
the grandmother. I am thankful for my grandma, shes like
me, i cant stand her all that much but i am thankful for
her. It's interesting to say the least that she is slower
becoming more and more senile. Almost as if she is dying
before our eyes. Sad, I'll be thankful if she doesnt die in
pain.
My boyfriend, Alex, went to his relatives for Thanksgiving
to. He told me that he has a strong Roman Orthodox
Grandmother, and the first thing she asks him is if he did
his Rosary today. thats kinda funny. Its almost strange how
i feel like i know his whole family and i havent met them.
He told me that he loved me as he was leaving. I was
shocked when he said that. And it was so in a matter-a-fact
way too, I like Alex, i adore him, but I'm not so sure that
I love him yet. There are things that need to be taken care
of first.
In new york, there is a good man waiting to see me, and he
loves me, and he knows that i dont love him in that way.
But still for some reason, he holds on to the hope of my
some-sweet-day-I'll-see-the-light-type of thing and be with
him. Well, i cant. He's not of faith. Not of Roman Orthodox
or Baptist or whatever, i dont care what denomination he
is. Its more about faith. He has no faith. no faith in God
or Christ, no faith in the hope of seeing heaven. I feel so
horrible, because i feel guilty in some way for his falling
in love with me. I cant get into a relationship with
someone who cant enter a church without trying to diminish
it. Can you imagine the arguments? oy
I'm going to new york in december, to try to wrap things up
with him and with my past. It'll be good to finally shut
the book on things and move on....
Does his heart need to be shattered so i can move on? As i
puzzle these things, i will let you know.




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