The hard part is all the thoughts circling. All the
reminders. The mix of emotions. Sadness, loss, anger,
emptyness. And last night I got mad because it felt like
the emotions I was having in her eyes were "over-acted"
That my feeling were drama queenish. Like for gods sake
just get over it already. And that hits whammo, when it
feels like all the emotions you have you don't have much
control over. That they just happen and you have to follow
and see where they go. And just let them take their course.
At the moment I feel I haven't had really any say in
anything. In relation to my emotions or the ending of the
relationship. I'm part of it, but I'm not part of it. And
it's hard when you feel you don't have control over
anything. And I guess I just felt like the ball was totally
in her court and I tagged along blindly when in some way I
expected to be part of it. I mean in the majority of break-
up it is a one way thing. That one person that wants out,
but with ours??? I wasn't thinking it would be so one way.
I know she didn't mean to make things sound bad, but I sat
there having problems taking some of it in. I didn't
expect a lot of it. And at times maybe I was expecting a
little more. And I guess I am still bugged it happened by
sms. Because yes, I guess with that I was expecting a lot
more. And unfortunatley from my end that hurt rather badly.
Worse part was I was out in a social situation and could
not show anything or act like something was up. And my
thinking was maybe we can sort through and talk this
through the next day, because I actually thought the
relationship did have a not too bad basing of
communication, but nope. That chance wasn't mine either.
That day I knew it was over, but it still didn't stop me
wanting some imput. Some say, some at least communication.
We've all been dumped before or been the dumper, but in all
of my past ones its actually been about the two people.
Maybe it was a one way feeling, that the relationship was
needing to come to an end, but it was both people. There
was some closure. There was some talk. And now it feels if
I want any sort of answers, I have to ask for them. And I
was hoping at some point they might have come without
having to do that.
So fuck yeah on my part there was a lot of wishing and
hoping. Shit in one hand and wish in the other and see
which gets filled first. And silly enough I did expect a
lot more from this. And none of that can be changed now.
It's all been said and done. And I know it wont be like
this forever. But I wont feel my emotions are acted or too
much. It's what I am feeling right now, so fuck the world
if it thinks I should feel otherwise.
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