The meanderings of a mind
Ad 0:
2001-08-22 13:42:05 (UTC)


Last night I had a horrible dream. Most people might
not consider it a nightmare...but my definition of a
nightmare is not WHAT you dream about, but the feeling that
comes with it. That is why so many times in the past I have
cried and told my mom that I had a bad dream and when she
asked what was it about....I didn't know. I just knew that
feeling. I woke up around five...fighting the tears. I
wanted to call my boyfriend ... but common sense and
politeness overruled and I layed there just thinking about
him. I forgot how the dream started off but I remember
being in my boyfriend's brother's truck (he does not have a
brother) in my driveway. My boyfriend was inside watching a
movie with my family. I kept waiting for him to come and
get me...watching the front door. He didn't come...I guess
I could have gotten out of the truck...but I wanted him to
come and get me. His brother and I were talking a lot...and
when he kissed me I didn't pull away. He kept telling me
that me and my boyfriend were better off as friends and that
I should be HIS girlfriend. I merely said I love...(not
you). I don't think I said anything else during the
conversation. It was really late. It seemed like we had
been out there for hours. Finally, I decided my boyfriend
wasn't coming for me. I went in the house. My mom was
standing at the door when I went inside. The look on her
face was so horrifyingly terrible that you know it can only
be seen in a nightmare. I was in the family room then...My
heart was sitting on the couch...more like a slouched
position as though all the life was flowing out of him. The
look on his face was one of acute pain, and his eyes looked
hollow and dead. I knew at once that I had caused this. I
went to sit down beside him and take his hand, mom sat
there..on him to block me from him and screamed. "NO! Find
somewhere and go to sleep. Don't do this. You're going to
lose your everything." That's when I woke up. I wanted to
call him then. To tell him I loved him. Just in case he
forgot. I hate that I have to fight back tears again. I
don't know what that dream means...I'm gonna hazard to guess
that I think somewhere in the back of my mind that I will do
something that will cause me to lose him. I need to hold
him again, and touch him, and bury my face in his scent just
so I know he is still there. I hope he is happy right now
and I hope he knows how much I care for him.