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2002-11-26 22:03:03 (UTC)

The Ultimate Climax of a Relationship

thisisnotseanh: hey
Iceyphish: hello
thisisnotseanh: how are things with you
Iceyphish: shitty
thisisnotseanh: hmmm
thisisnotseanh: sounds normal
thisisnotseanh: how's jazz band?
Iceyphish: its alright
Iceyphish: i suck at reading music
thisisnotseanh: how'd the seating music thing go for ya
Iceyphish: ya know
Iceyphish: alright
thisisnotseanh: yeah, i can play it rather well..., but
when i got into the room i flopped and didn't even end up
getting past the first note, i just couldn't find the rythm
Iceyphish: sorry
thisisnotseanh: it doesn't really matter, like i was upset
about it for like two minutes, i mean it didn't even
matter i was going to get last chair anyway
Iceyphish: dont worry about it...it doesnt really matter
thisisnotseanh: yup
thisisnotseanh: was it even for a grade
Iceyphish: sorta
Iceyphish: but im sure you got a lot of extra consideration
thisisnotseanh: yeah
thisisnotseanh: i doubt mr. watford though i was capable
of playing that anyway
Iceyphish: it doesnt really matter
Iceyphish: you tried and youre getting better
Iceyphish: youll get there
thisisnotseanh: in time
Iceyphish: besides...later in the year you can challeng
people or whatever for a higher chair
thisisnotseanh: hopefully by next year i'll be able ot
make it into wind essamble
thisisnotseanh: that's my only goal
thisisnotseanh: cus i don't want to be in band if i'm not
in that class
Iceyphish: ok
thisisnotseanh: i guess that's not too big of a goal
thisisnotseanh: i mean supposedly i've learned fairly fast
Iceyphish: ye
Iceyphish: yep*
thisisnotseanh: trombone is fairly uncomplicated
Iceyphish: yes
thisisnotseanh: i'm not too good at playing legato
though.... and my teach said it's unusual to be able to
play staccato adn not legato
Iceyphish: thats not so true
Iceyphish: i think its about 50 50
thisisnotseanh: hmm...
thisisnotseanh: oh well
Iceyphish: indeed
thisisnotseanh: so anything exciting to share
Iceyphish: not yet
Iceyphish: did you see me today?
Iceyphish: doing my routine?
Iceyphish: just like i explained it to you
thisisnotseanh: i saw only three parts
Iceyphish: did they fit?
thisisnotseanh: the btwn 2 and 3 will/jenna/sean
encounter, the walk with m to buil 7 but not really walk,
and the buy pizza
thisisnotseanh: but i didn't see anything else
Iceyphish: oh
thisisnotseanh: pretty much though
Iceyphish: well it was how i said
thisisnotseanh: hmm....
thisisnotseanh: my day was pretty ordinary except that
since keene's in nj i have no one to constantly talk to at
lunch so i was super bored
Iceyphish: oh
Iceyphish: sorry
thisisnotseanh: heh, it's not your fault he gets to go to
parties and do fun stuff while i'm at school
thisisnotseanh: so.....
Iceyphish: brb
Iceyphish: i have to type something real quick
thisisnotseanh: ok
thisisnotseanh: you almost finished?
Iceyphish: finished
thisisnotseanh: awesome
thisisnotseanh: what class was it for
Iceyphish: it was for my sister
thisisnotseanh: oh
thisisnotseanh: you're so nice
thisisnotseanh: or was it cus you didn't want to give up
the computer
Iceyphish: the latter
thisisnotseanh: as i suspected after looking over the facts
thisisnotseanh: all i want for christmas is you
Iceyphish: for christmas, i will be somebody else
thisisnotseanh: who
Iceyphish: whoever is not me that i want
thisisnotseanh: (btw it was a song) (rxbandits style)
thisisnotseanh: oh
thisisnotseanh: you should be santa
thisisnotseanh: or a reindeer
Iceyphish: i dont want to be santa
Iceyphish: santa is an icon
thisisnotseanh: you could be a guitar
thisisnotseanh: get us as far as far can be get us away
from tonight
Iceyphish: i may just make an attempt to not be sour
anymore and to try to be like before
thisisnotseanh: that would be awesome
Iceyphish: but thats not something you can just do
thisisnotseanh: well in my position i think it'd greatly
benefit your social position
thisisnotseanh: definately
thisisnotseanh: time will be needed, much
thisisnotseanh: a slow change
thisisnotseanh: i'd like to bring something up for you to
think about....
Iceyphish: go for it
thisisnotseanh: you said how a lot of people have been
ignoring you... well have you ever thought that you might
in turn ignoring other people
Iceyphish: i know i am
Iceyphish: im pissed off and i know i dont have all the
right answers and im probably doing the wrong thing but im
just doing what feels right
Iceyphish: it sucks
thisisnotseanh: hmm.... well you can't really be upset,
that'd be hypocritical
thisisnotseanh: yeah
thisisnotseanh: being a hypocrit feels good sometimes
Iceyphish: i want to say that im doing it because it will
benefit me in the future but i cant
thisisnotseanh: hmm
Iceyphish: i dont care about being a hypocrite
thisisnotseanh: well i guessing htat could be good
Iceyphish: so who do you think im ignoring?
thisisnotseanh: i don't know... iwas just bring a point
thisisnotseanh: i have no clue if you're ignoring anyone
Iceyphish: no, help me out here...what caused you to bring
it up?
Iceyphish: well i figure i must be
thisisnotseanh: well, this sounds pathetic but i'd say you
are ignoring me
thisisnotseanh: if that's what you wanted ot hear then
there you go, but if not i'm sorry
Iceyphish: mayeb
thisisnotseanh: well then they you go
thisisnotseanh: i don't know what else to say
thisisnotseanh: if you're going to ignore me, go ahead
doing so, but tell me first because i don't want to think
you're doing it on purpose but really not
Iceyphish: hold on one second
Iceyphish: sorry
Iceyphish: im not trying to ignore you
thisisnotseanh: well you're doing a good job at it
Iceyphish: i could do better...
thisisnotseanh: i think i stopped caring about three weeks
ago though
thisisnotseanh: so don't fret it
Iceyphish: im not trying to ignore anybody
Iceyphish: but i feel like if i pay attention to one
person anymore than i do, i lose someone else...
Iceyphish: i feel like im spread thin
thisisnotseanh: whatever
thisisnotseanh: i guess so
thisisnotseanh: originally i expected a lot more of you
and there's just not enough of you to go around so i feel
like i've gotten the shaft
Iceyphish: youve got a large part right now
Iceyphish: i dont know how to explain it or what to do
about it
thisisnotseanh: well right now isn't really a time of need
Iceyphish: do you understand though?
thisisnotseanh: those times have past and been buried
thisisnotseanh: i do
thisisnotseanh: i did
thisisnotseanh: i will
thisisnotseanh: it just sucks cus you used to be Brandon
and now you're just another person
thisisnotseanh: you siad you didn't think anyone cared
more about you then you did them.... well you're wrong cus
i care/cared alot more about you then you to me
Iceyphish: im sorry
thisisnotseanh: i don't know
thisisnotseanh: you don't give yourself enough credit for
thisisnotseanh: you seem to want to find something wrong
with everything
Iceyphish: im an analyst
thisisnotseanh: analyst don't always have to find
something wrong, you could point out something right
Iceyphish: im overwhelmed
Iceyphish: im overwhelmed by what used to be a big deal
and by now ive forgotten what it was but it still controls
me like im suffocating. i feel like im failing miserably
with everything and i dont know how to fix anything. the
worst part is that its new for me
thisisnotseanh: well that does suck
thisisnotseanh: you probably aren't doing as bad as you
perceive though
Iceyphish: its what it feels like
thisisnotseanh: and you do know how to fix it, you're just
not thinking in the right way
Iceyphish: but i cant figure it out
thisisnotseanh: you will someday whether it's too late or
not... you always will figure it out in the end
Iceyphish: thank i think
thisisnotseanh: i guess this is kinda me slower giving
back to all the vast help you've given me in the pst
Iceyphish: its possible
Iceyphish: or maybe im just fading out
Iceyphish: THATS what it feels like
Iceyphish: thats what ive been trying to think of
thisisnotseanh: bad luck, can't fuck...got no refection
today, maybe i'll fade out next time i get hit by a .......
Iceyphish: i dont know what that is
thisisnotseanh: alkaline trio, it seems ot fit
Iceyphish: maybe
thisisnotseanh: w/o the fuck
thisisnotseanh: and i can't understand the last word cus
it's said for a long time
Iceyphish: oh
thisisnotseanh: you should learn from the songs you listen
to, many of them aren't just lyrics... they're poems with
Iceyphish: i know
thisisnotseanh: jsut making sure
Iceyphish: but the music and overall sound does the same
thing for me
Iceyphish: but i cant explain it because it doesnt need
thisisnotseanh: maybe that's why i quote things so much, i
can't think of any better way to say it
Iceyphish: you know what i hate more than anything?
Iceyphish: admitting how wrong i am
thisisnotseanh: oh...
thisisnotseanh: when have you admittied you're wrong
Iceyphish: thats the justification behind any confidence i
may have
Iceyphish: all the time now
thisisnotseanh: then don't admit it
thisisnotseanh: i don't know what else to say
Iceyphish: ill do my best to not ignore you
thisisnotseanh: there's no use in trying.... just do what
comes naturally
Iceyphish: the last thing i want to do is to lose or scare
off you or anybody
Iceyphish: failing comes naturally right now
thisisnotseanh: i don't want you to have to go out of your
way to look after me cus you'll just lose your way even
Iceyphish: ive lost it
thisisnotseanh: well still, i feel shitty telling you i
think you're ignoring you, it's just like i'm trying to
put more shit on you
Iceyphish: dont worry about it
Iceyphish: its positive in a way
thisisnotseanh: i worry about everything... eminsly
Iceyphish: i know how to worr
Iceyphish: worry*
thisisnotseanh: if you want to know my opinion (which even
if you don't you're going to hear cus i have the power to
do so)
thisisnotseanh: you try and do too much by yourself
thisisnotseanh: you can handout any and all advice to
others and make them better but you don't have any of your
thisisnotseanh: cus you don't ask other people for help
thisisnotseanh: end.
Iceyphish: ill work on it
Iceyphish: im trying
thisisnotseanh: yeah... but watch out trying doesn't
always work
Iceyphish: what else would i do?
thisisnotseanh: i don't know, i'm jsut saying don't
automatically expect good to come out of everything
thisisnotseanh: example: i told you whatever i said in the
past hour or so.. no good came out of it in my eyes... yet
i still tried
thisisnotseanh: oh... by the way... i hope you don't mind
if i save this im conversation
Iceyphish: i dont care
thisisnotseanh: ok... good
Iceyphish: but if you ever try to use it against me in any
way, i might have to slaughter you
thisisnotseanh: shut up
Iceyphish: ya know
thisisnotseanh: sometimes you say stupid shit
Iceyphish: im allowed
thisisnotseanh: i'm sorry by empty threats and annoying
Iceyphish: huh?
thisisnotseanh: annoying enough that i'm not going to save
that part, cus if i read it later i'm jsut going to get
pissed at you
Iceyphish: ok
thisisnotseanh: i don't know.. i mean if it makes you feel
better by turning everything into a if you do this then
i'll kill you or do this to you at all makes you feel like
a better person then go on doing it, but i think it's just
Iceyphish: its lighthearted from this side and makes me
not so frusterated with not having control
thisisnotseanh: well it gives off the wrong impression on
this side
Iceyphish: sorry
thisisnotseanh: and i don't take wrong impressions very
Iceyphish: well from now on, just think about the fact
that i dont make threats for real
thisisnotseanh: ok...
Iceyphish: if anything ever sounds like a threat from me,
im 99 % positive that im just saying stupid shit
thisisnotseanh: ok... well sometimes you sneak stupid shit
in with serious stuff and it doesn't mix well
thisisnotseanh: it makes it seem real
Iceyphish: sorry
thisisnotseanh: and you threatening me really really
doesn't set well
thisisnotseanh: just makes things worse as it has in the
Iceyphish: just disreguard it
thisisnotseanh: too late
thisisnotseanh: it's gone though'
thisisnotseanh: well this was a enlightening conversation
Iceyphish: ive got to go to bed before i fall alseep at
the computer
thisisnotseanh: i'm not quite sure yet if i'm pleased with
it or not
Iceyphish: well...you have time to think about it
thisisnotseanh: but i'm tired of typing
thisisnotseanh: the question isn't time to think about it,
it's time to think about whether i tell you what i think
about it or not
thisisnotseanh: well i'll leave you with my usually
departing words
Iceyphish: by the way, it wasnt meant to please you or to
hurt you for that matter, it was jus me telling you
exactly how i feel as far as i could explain it
thisisnotseanh: good-bye
Iceyphish: later