The Book of Counted Sorrows
Weiner Dog Loofahs and Deceased Animals
Well today I was talking to my mom and I said,"You know, I use Bath &
Body Works Tangerine Spice Body Lotion to cleanse myself, and I'll be
damned if I have to use a few squirts of the stuff to get a decent
lather, and not just a 'button-sized drop' like the container says."
She looked at me, and after a few long seconds replied, "Well you
should consider using a weiner dog loofah to wash yourself next time,
because they can hold a lot more soap at once, and therefore they
lather better." Naturally, I thought she was joking. But when I
asked her where she heard this, she said that she'd seen it advertised
on late-night televsion: Weiner Dog Loofahs. At first I was
skeptical, but then I considered my options: I could either keep using
more soap than I really needed to, or I could spend a few bucks on an
item that will solve the soap problem and at the same time provide me
with the animal companionship I've desired for so long. I called
the toll-free number immediately.
Subconsciously, I keep thinking that maybe the real reason I'm worried
about being so clean in the first place is that I'm slightly
overweight. Well, not really slightly...to tell you the truth I'm
a dag-nabbed cow. I eat so much every day that I'm having trouble
paying my bills at the end of each month, and it haunts me in my
sleep. I keep telling myself to buy in bulk and eat at only the
cheapest fast-food places, but I always end up short when it comes to
paying off my debts. I work a decent-paying job; I remove deceased
animals from the roads in my area to keep them clean and safe. Some
people call my profession "Road kill scooper," or "Critter scraper,"
but I prefer to keep a sterile tone to its name to protect the rights
of dignity belonging to the deceased animals.
Even though I eat so much so often, I've never even considered
substituting deceased animal meat for grocery items to save
money because I strongly believe in the dignity animals must keep in
death. Well, not until today...
But I must go now. It's time to eat, and I feel like I'm starving.
I'll continue my entry tomorrow. Goodbye, my diary.