Kim

More To Say

I really hate how this is all making me feel. It's this
heavy sinking feeling that I carry around with me all day.
And little things or activities cover it for so long and
then when I stop it's still there. I felt like crying at
school today. It's this constant urge to just cry. I hate
it. It's not like I think things will change. That she'll
take me back. I know that wont happen. I wouldn't even
suggest the idea to her or try to. I know it would be
pretty hopeless and as I said I wouldn't do that, wont do
that. I've done that before, because I couldn't handle not
having her in my life. Her being there. So then I made it
pretty clear it wasn't what I wanted. That I wanted her. I
still want her. But it's different now. I can't have her
anymore. That part really is truly over. And that really,
really hurts.

I guess since this has all come to light I realised just
how much i did love her. Maybe more than she did me, I
don't know. But if it was just something simple, nothing in
it, I know I wouldn't be feeling like I am now. Maybe also
because all of my emotions are on the surface. They haven't
settled since my Nan passed on. That still only feels like
yesterday and still effects me and suddenly now this and
it's like the iceberg has tipped over and all of what was
underneath the surface has flipped over. What before I was
covering and could protect is now very much on top and
sensitive. And now it's like I am feeling it all at once.
But hey, it's life, shit happens. Deal with it. And I keep
telling myself that and that bloody heavy feeling just wont
go away.

And it's been weirding me out that I keep seeing her
online. I'd built myself up to not talk to her for awhile
for that is what she wanted. I was kinda expecting to talk
on the phone maybe the next day, but she wanted to take the
time off and space. So I left it in her court to get in
contact with me when she was ready. So I wasn't really
expecting anything till the end of this week, because that
kind of was the impression I got and now its been twice.
Each time when I haven't been expecting it. Specially
tonight. It just seemed all too much. Because it threw me.
Because I never see her on at this time. And there she was.
So I held on for as long as I could, but it got to me. She
has every right to come online, but it broke me. I can't
talk to her the same. Not yet. I want to ask her how she is
feeling. Like REALLY feeling. I want to talk about it all.
But I don't know how. I want to give her a big hug. I know
to know if she still loves me. I want to know all these
things. And I don't dare ask, because at the moment it
feels like I might not get an answer. I miss her terribly.
But I know it's over. I've come to accept that part. I'm
just having trouble doing so. And it hurts and I still hate
how it all happened. That even myjoking, semi serious
questions of "are you going to dump me" got dismissed.And that made
me feel better, because I honestly thought that was the case. That
even when things were quiet with us they were still somewhat secure.
That I wasn't getting dumped. But hey..I DID Ok, that's just a little
upset me coming out there. These things aren't nice. Never will be
nice. I still want to be her friend. It's just going to take a little
bit of time on my part. I still love her very much and because of
that love I still want her in my life, but at this moment
I'm taking a day at a time to deal with my feelings.

I just really wished she'd just opened up and totally told
me all that was going on in her head. What she was really
feeling. I know it can't have been an overnight thing. I
also know it wasn't planned, but I know there was something
there. I wish I'd been the person to discover her. All her
thoughts, feelings. To really get in deep. I wanted to be
around when that happened. I was hoping I could make some
changes, but not change her. I just wanted the chance. And
yes it's sad that it's not mine anymore. And I just have to
deal with that now. So deal I will.