starsleadtheway

When I fall down, I'll fall apart
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2001-08-21 23:54:30 (UTC)

Your razors. My wrist. My tears. Your kiss.

I needed a new journal I could write in where nobody would sit around
and critisize everything I wrote. I made a journal to vent. It was
for myself, not anybody else. That obviously didn't work. I will
give very few people the link to this journal. I will be totally
honest in everything I say and I will not hold back.

Anyways, I'll start by saying today has been an alright day. I'm
very lonely. I try to make believe I'm happy being alone, but I'm
not. For once in my life I'm not dependant on somebody else. In a
way, I like the fact that I don't have to live my life for anybody
else. On the other hand, I wish I had someone waiting for me when I
get out of work or when I have a bad day. I just want to be close to
someone. It's confusing. I change my mind about what I want every
10 minutes. I'm just not very happy with myself at the present
time. I look in the mirror and I want to vomit. I go to work and
want to jump out the window. I wake up and want to go back to
sleep. I'm not saying I don't want to be alive. I'm just staying
that I want things to be different. I want to be able to be happy
with what I have. I need to stop comparing myself to everybody else.

"It's hard to look in the mirror these days, when everyone has
everything you'd rather be..."

I've always been unhappy. I don't really know what happy is. I
thought I was happy a few months ago. Maybe I was. I love life,
don't get me wrong, but I don't love myself. There are so many
improvments I need to make. There are so many things that need to be
fixed. There are things I just don't want to deal with. Those are
the things that end up making me miserable. I try so goddamn hard to
hide behind a smile. Some people would never know how I truly feel.
Even the people I live with have no idea.

I think I need to go back to school, lose weight, get a better job,
and maybe even find somebody special. These things aren't impossible
to obtain and I plan on working to improve my life. I just wish I
had more motivation.

I'm just in a bad mood I suppose. I whine too much.


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