Jaded

Why Me?
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2001-08-21 22:56:34 (UTC)

Fucking sick and tired of it...

Diary,

Holy shit! Jesus christ bananas! TOMORROW IS THE FIRST
DAY OF SCHOOL! Oh dear, Diary - what am I going to do? Am
I supposed to pretend to be happy? Pretend to be my natural
self (depressed, despondate, disconsolate)? Or cry?
I discovered a bit more homework to do, I did I did.
Whoo. Which is what I'm going to do once I take leave of the
computer. Dammit. Me and Stress just don't get along right
now. So, I shall now vent some anger: FUCK! SHIT! DAMN!
FUCKING ASSHOLE MOTHER FUCKER DICK HEAD! I'm better. Not
really.
*coughs* Yes, that was neccessary. I found a letter
today that I wrote to a friend. I'd like to type it on
here, it sums up kind of how I feel at the moment:
Joey (my friend),
God! What's wrong with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I feel
like ... like I'm drowning and screaming for help, but
everyone is ignoring me, watching me, laughing at me. I
just want it all to stop! Everything! The problem is that
I can't keep up this facade anymore: pretending I'm OK after
someone annoys me; smiling and hiding the tears that
inevitably fall; laughing. Why can't things go back to the
beginning of time? Or would that ultimately lead tot his
same conclusion? I've acted like a different person for soo
long that I've forgotten who I really am! It's like having
a case of amnesia and going through what everyone says is
the right motion, but not knowing why! I just want to keep
everyone happy, even the people I don't like. I'm tired of
it! I've done that my whole life! I want to be Erin, not
Kenny's sister or Vada's daughter! I know that it doesn't
sound like it would be bad enough to make a person cry, or
whatever, but it is. There's more - much more - to it, but
it's too complex to be written or said. I feel like I
deserve something, no matter HOW conceited it sounds. I
want to believe that 'god' is there and that 'he' cares
about me, but how can I when 'he' blatantly ignores people's
requests and prayers - when innocent people are starving on
the streets and a few wall street brokers kick them as they
pass? When 'he' allows half the world to be born into
poverty and destitute conditions and the other half to be
born into a life that will eventually lead there? When 'he'
lets us search for cures and never save the millions who
die? When 'he' claims to be 'forever' when there IS no
forever? And on and on, Joey! I'm fucking sick and tired of
believing that 'god' works in mysterious ways! And here I
go again, rambling. What I'm trying to say is ... well, I
don't even know! maybe I'm not really writing this to you,
but really to myself - to tell me I need to get off my lazy
ass and fix my problems. It seems like there isn't a person
left in the world who would care if I just up and died
tnoght. My family MIGHT, but family is different; their
love is nnate (if it even EXISTS) and they certainly don't
LIKE me. Fuck, I just want to wallow in self pity. My
whole life it seems like I've just stood around, an obstacle
for others to overcome. A burden. I don't even have any
friends, unless you count yourself, but sometimes I get the
feeling your life would be better without me! If I could
just write, maybe I could find a vent for my rage, but that
has been destryed. I have the ability and passion but the
crucial things are missing. They were stolen from me. I
don't really have faith in myself or that burning urge. I
was different and proved to be a threat, so they eliminated
my best form of communication. I'm not saying I don't WANT
to write, but that I don't NEED to write. Understand? Or
am I a fucking loon? Why, dammit? I want someone I can
TALK to! I know you'll listen, but I think that it would
kill you. ...
(didn't finish letter)
That was written during last school year and my situation
has only worsened. Christ! FUCK! God! Fix it! Well,
diary, I've whined enough today. Adieu, Diary and readers,
adieu.
-Eryn


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