Cosmic Rain
Ad 2:
2002-11-25 21:41:26 (UTC)


It's funny. I came to write here Saturday morning. After
ignoring this place for the longest time. And I scrapped
what I was writing, cause there wasn't much and it didn't
mean much. A little bit of poetry and thought that seemed
totally out of place and wasn't a loss if scrapped. Then I
went out and funny how things went after that.

I'd be really happy if I could feel nothing for what is
left of this month. Just be void for a few days, to carry
out things I need to do to pass my year and then worry
about things later. It's been a hell of a month. One week
something and the next week something else. Only a week
apart, but have realised emotionally it has all been a bit
much. May as well be days apart. I want a decent sleep at
night. I want sleep. I want lots of things. Those things
you just simply can't have. And even how much I want them I
can't go back there and I wont go back there.

And what's with suddenly everyone else ringing late at
night when the only call I'd expect at 10pm would be
Melissa. So everytime it's rung everythings just lept. And
it's always been someone else. Partly sadness, partly
relief, because at times I just want to disappear for
awhile. But I always thought when there are break-ups there
is a little more talk. A little more discussion. I guess
seeing as we talked everynight the last thing she wants to
do is that. And I thought things were meant to feel better
over days? I feel worse. I feel a fucking mess. But I know
where it's not going. And where it will never go. It's
finality. Maybe that is what it is. That loss. That
finalisation of something I didn't want to be final, even
though I knew our chances of making it over the long run
were getting harder the more we went on. But it hurts like
hell. Cause there was always a little hope something would
change. Some gift would come out of no where that might
help things along. Give it a chance. And it never came.

But I hated how it went. I hated how something sometimes
expected still seemed to leap out. That things seemed not
wonderful, but they still felt alright at the end of the
day, but one moment I had someone saying I love you and the
next someone not allowing me to talk to them. That our
little chats, even though were late and sometimes brief
could mean sooo much. And now they have totally gone, so
it's empty. Quite empty. It's been an empty month. I heard
someone else say how they disliked November and I'm
starting to join in.

Anyway I have to move my arse to class. I will write more
later, cause I need to.

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