My Journal...sorta lol
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2002-11-25 06:16:57 (UTC)

fuck everything

fuck this all... i dont want this anymore... i dont wanna
be pissed and sad, and hurt and upset anymore... why the
FUCK does my heart not listen to my head?? my head says
stop liking dan so everything will be ok for him and
ashley, cuz apparently i cause problems for them... fuck it
im just gunna pour my heart out right here right now...

ive liked dan since february, well when i figured out that
it wasnt ever gunna happen you'd think id stop liking
him... nope why? cuz hes everything id ever fucking want
in a guy... but were just friends and i can TOTALLY handle
that, he's like my best friend and i can push my feelings aside just
like i have been for the last 8 or 9 months.... i care about him to
much to let my feelings fuck up our friendship... and thats what im
scared of most, our friendship being jeopardized... well back to the
main problem here...
dan and ash are going out right? well right there that
causes tension between me and her... something that cant be
helped just cuz of how we feel... well they had a little
roadbump in the relationship recently...and dan called me
to talk about it cuz he knows im there for him (hopefully
thats why he called) well that didnt make ashley to
happy... in fact she fuckin hated finding out about it...
my fault? surely not but yet it still is...
yes im friends with ashley and yes i was a bit bitter at
the begining of their relationship but i got over it, i
even tried helping them out cuz i want them to be happy
(example: my hc thing, great america, me working for dan so
he could see her blah blah) she thinks im gunna hate her or
something... idk i apparently had an attitude on friday,
and she can sense some friction i guess... w/e shes not the
bad guy here... i dont know how the fuck im doing it but im
fucking their relationship up AGAIN i almost did it before
they even got together.... and im so fucking sorry, this
shouldnt deal with me... ash said shes gunna talk to dan,
and i said i hope i dont come up in the convo, but she said
i will cuz im a part of it... i didnt know relationships
were for three ppl...... my whole goal here is for ash and
dan to end up happy, if it means i gotta quit cuzins, i
guess thats what it takes, i dont think anyone would miss
me much.....
you know i hate not knowing how people feel.... i feel like
sometimes i invest more into a friendship then the other
person does... i wish someone would just for once tell me
that hey i value our friendship or something or hey i
love u... yea like thats gunna happen.... i think ive known
one person thats honestly loved me for who i am and through
everything in my life... and that was the one person taken
away from me.... i wish i fucking wouldve died with him...
he was everything to me and a big part of me did die with
him, but then part of me grew from the experience, maybe
thats why im so messed up.......

i hate feelings.....

RIP Christopher Ryan Gallagher
Sept 29, 1980 - June 15, 2000

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