Jammes14

Mercury
2002-11-25 05:49:06 (UTC)

More

more stuff has been happening. i haven't been writing much
for the past weeks since nothing important has been
happening. some things have been balancing out, some have
been going off the scale. i don't know anything. im still
pretty much in the dark, but ive been feeling around and
have gotten a general idea of my environement as of now.
still looking for that light switch, mercury. fuck, i don't
one exists. if it does, it will probably only turn on some
other room. i guess im more on the look for the door out of
here now. maybe some light from the hall can be shed in
here. thats all id need, just to work my eyes to a strain,
then id find satisfaction. my mind is still horribly
dyslexic. but if i can just not do anything, id be safer
than trying to speak out and do something about it. my
subconscious has a better time if it has some distinct
memory of something i did or happened. it can't hurt me as
much if i just regret not doing something. my subconscious
needs something tangible to shove in my face. but either
way, i still feel shitty about whatever happens, just more
so when i do something. anyway, i still don't know whether
to have a career in the computer corporate slave job, since
i think ill find satisfation in it; i love working with
computers, its one of the few things in life that i don't
hate. but, then again, i would really want a career in the
arts, too, since im aware of all the pain and suffering in
the world, and become some cog in the machine will only add
to the problem, so if i can at least abstain from working
the machine, some part of me will be happy. so all in all,
now that ive thought about it, i think ill follow the road
to becoming a computer slave, just so that i can 1) get a
first hand look at white collar middle class bourgousi
culture 2) have a stable income 3) find some satisfaction
for the most part of my brain 4) do some art crap at the
same time if i need to. there. i don't know, i fuckin hate
trying to predict stuff, so fuck it, im just going to keep
on doing the things that keep the pain away: sleep,
computer stuff, tv, Jesus, music, sloth, and isolation. if
i can just in corporate all those into my lifetime, id be
happy enough to repress the pain and obligation to help
society. oscillations are become a lot more apparent, but
im sick of talking about those.




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