My Life
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2001-08-21 18:22:13 (UTC)

two guys...what to do? The wrong thing sounds good.

Omg Omg Omg
I am the biggest ass on the face of the planet.

Why you ask?
Well, it's a long story.
Do tell, do tell.
Alright, if you insist. But get comfortable, because this is
going to take a while.

so lets start this over

Ok, well maybe I am not an ass, I guess not, I don't know. I
sure as hell was an ass, most defiantly acting like one the
other day.
Ok, well guys they mean like jack shit to me ya know? I
think the only reason I am bi is cause there aren't enough
cool chicks out there and lesbians are really hard to find
and how do you go out and meet a chick? (I need to go to a
gay bar or something). Ne way, guys suck. I never worry
about guys. I never like guys. Fuck you guys. If a guy would
happen to read this, yea, FUCK YOU TO! IF YOU HAVE A DICK,
YOU SUCK! Ne way, sorry bout that. You get my point tho?
So this is like crazy...last few weeks I've had not one,
(and one is suprising enough) but TWO guys on my mind. count and two. 1 & 2. It's fucking insanity I tell you. I
swear I am just too lonely. Yes yes yes that's what it is.
It must but, I tell ya.
There is this one guy that for some god damn forsaken
uncomprehensiable reason, that I have been crushing
(crushing? I guess...whatever.) for like a long while or
someshit. God it seems like forever. (and UCK trippin for a
DUDE!?! WTF is wrong w me???) Oh yea, and he has a
GIRLFRIEND. WHAT AM I THINKING? oh yea, I guess I'm not.
Then there was this guy that liked me. I don't know if
I really liked him back or not (so I guess not) but he was
really cute and really sweet and he did like me, and for
some reason I'll like a guy purely for the fact that he
likes me, and yea I know, that's just gross. But I mean,
this kid was pretty chill. I don't think that we had too
much in common, but we both were really lonely and I think
that he, like me, pretty much just wanted some one to hold.
so that could've been cool. (notice the past tense of
could've.) I mean, It was chill for a while. real chill.
But like I didn't know what to do because for a variety
of reasons, I was crazy about this other guy. (the one with
the girl.) So a couple of days ago, I talked to him. I was
just supossed to be asking him for his advice, like should I
go out with this other kid, I just wanted to see what he'd
say. (secertly I hoped that he would say no don't do that I
like you be with me. ah yea but DUH he has a girl...I swear
sometimes I really am not all there) Well, I ended up
pouring my feelings on him, like totally throwing my heart
at him and shit. OMG what was I thinking? I just wanted him
to know that I liked him, and to see how he felt about me.
Now I am sure that he thinks I am obsessed and crazy or
someshit...o well.
Ok so that night I felt terrible. I couldn't sleep. I
felt so so stupid stupid. Idiot dumbass moron stupid stupid
silly girl! he has a girl friend, they've been together for
EIGHT MONTHS. thats 2/3 of a year! That's forever! And he
could never like me, especially the way that I like him.
Even if he were to slightly like me, he wouldn't he couldn't
leave his girl for me, and I wouldn't even let him. So that
night before I FINALLY was able to go to sleep, I came to a
decision; I was going to forget about this guy that was
spoken for. Now that I had communicated and let go of how I
felt, I would be able to get over it. Not to mention, I am
sure that he won't talk to me again, and that will help me
get over it also. And I was going to go for this other guy
that I'd been sorta talking to for a while. he was really
nice and sweet, really cute, and really lonely; like me.
Then the next day ; I see this kid and he's like hey I
am leaving today. I was like WHAT??? COME AGAIN? WHAT??? Yea
so he went home. And I exposed myself for NOTHING. If I'd
only had waited ONE DAY not even 24 hours, then I would have
saved myself all of that embarssment and insanity. (not to
mention all the other mixed feelings that ran through out
Yea so it's just strange. I went to not having any guy
on my mind since like forever to having two and here I am
alone again, as usual. WTF. thank you life for being
predicitable. always amusing, you sure are.
But I guess good came from this. I need to be alone
right now. I just may very well be alone for the rest of my
life, certianly for a great portion of it. It's about time
that I deal with the lonliness, and get over it. and I feel
much better and I think (pretty almost 100% sure) that I
will be able to get over this other guy now. WHICH IS GREAT!
So I have to find him and attepmt to explain myself. and if
I can't do so, well...oh well. I feel much better at least.
But oh I feel terrible...what if I've caused him to doubt
his relationship or his love for his girl? What if I've made
him uncomfortable or uneasy? What if he thinks I am insane?
(tehe oh well better I guess that he discovers it sooner
oposed to later.) But I doubt he even gave it a second
thought. I hope.

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