All About Toria
2001-08-21 10:27:43 (UTC)

Today was a bad day...

I woke up today feeling pretty happy. I mean, happy
like "Dang I slept good!" But yeah as the day went by I was
just chilling pretty much.

I talked to my boyfriend Garrett alot. I really haven't
talked to him in awhile. But it was pretty nice. I got into
this clean-freak mode, it was kinda twisted. But yeah, so I
cleaned my room.

Then later on things were settling down and it was getting
late. My mom came home and said she had to go out to do
something, I don't remember what.

Later on, way later, I was like, "Mom why are you sitting
outside?" Shoot I thought she was going crazy or something,
who knew!? So I walked out the door and was like "What cha
doing?" and she goes, "Im talking to Ron."

Ron is my step dad. Me and him fight alot. Only cuz I hate
him. I mean should I like an abusive drunk who trys to boss
me around? Heck nah! No way!

Actually...he just got out of Jail today for fighting with
me awhile ago. My mom said she think's I should forgive him
for what he did, he know's he was wrong, and he's going
through counsiling. But see the thing is, this has happened
all my life. There's only so many times you can forgive one

After I found out he was here, I was pretty mad and I
slammed the doors closed. I went on the computer to talk to
my little buddies and stuff, and started freaking out
pretty much. Of course this is a normal reaction. I mean do
you think it's not logical to be tripping out when you hate
someone and he's at your house.

I knew in the back of my mind that today would be the day
that started alot. Everytime my dad gets out of jail he
comes to my mom. And says, "I'm so sorry Susan, I'm going
to change! I want to be a family again and make things
right for everybody. It won't happen again!"

Yeah but see the thing is, that's what he said last time
about a week before the fight, lol. As someone
says, "Famous last words" right.

He's always said he was going to change, since I can
remember. But has he? Nope, he's gotten worse, but that's
not the type of change he's hinting at, ya know? I just
can't trust that this time, it'll happen. It hasn't yet,
what's so different now?

So while freaking, I decided it's not worth it. So I went
upstairs and chilled in my room, rearranged it a little, I
tend to rearrange my room when I stress. Then Aaron, my
sister's boyfriend, came in and played some Nitendo with
me. That got old kinda quick so back to being emotional I

I found myself heading downstairs, for whatever reason. I
saw Ron in the house sitting at the table with my mom in
the Dinning Room. That made me mad. I mean that's like the
first sign, of them getting back together.

After everytime he did something bad she's always said, "I
won't get back together with him, I promise!" But she
always has. It breaks my heart everytime. I really hate her
for it.

So I went into the Kitchen and Ron said something to me. I
acted as if I didn't hear anything. I made a glass of Iced
Tea and turned towards him. "I don't forgive you, and I
never will. I hate you. Your nothing to me, and have always
been nothing to me, and forever will always be nothing to
me!" That's what came popping out of my mouth. He looked at
me kinda amazed. At this point I was pissed, "If you ever
fuck with me again I will call the cops right then, no
fucking bullshitting around this time. You have a
restrainging order keeping you from being here!" and my mom
stopped my talking, "The restraining order is gone, he went
to court today." I reminded her I knew, from the cop that
arrested him, "He can't drop it, you have to go to court.
So are you telling me you went to court today or are you
lying to me?!" and she said, "That restraining order will
be dropped soon."

Dang at this point I was about to explode! I musta turned
red and everything! I was just thinking about how if I
wanted to I could go to the phone call the cops that
instant and say, "Hi, there's a Ronald Fowler here
violating a restraining order!" and he'd be arrested. But
since the cops told my mom last time that if that happened,
they'd both go to jail, I decided to drop the thought.
I walked upstairs and put my cup down, I didnt even get
around to drinking it. Actually it's still up there, not
even drunk out of. I started to cry pretty bad. Saying to
myself, "How could she do this to me?!?! How?!"

I walked back downstairs and turned on the computer. I
figured I really should talk to someone about everything.
Who's better than someone off the net, who doesn't know you
in real life, who won't bug you by telling your bussiness
to the Town.

Then my mom said something and I said, "Your not my mom you
can't tell me shit. Leave me the fuck alone!" and she was
like, "Ohh then you can get the fuck out!" and I go, "You
can't kick me out, remember?! I'm only 16! Ha!" and she
goes, "Yeah then you better learn to listen!" and I just
blew up!!

She got into my face and was like, "You can't take me!" and
I was like, "I don't want to!" and she was talking and I
was talking. And she goes, "Did I ask for your fucking
opinion!?" Right then I could of cried. I felt like I was
an orphan or something. She's going to do something that'll
change my life dramatically and she doesn't even care to
hear my thoughts! I was so mad and sad right then.

Right then I was like Fuck her, Fuck him, Fuck it all! I
went on the computer and talked about my issues to some
friends. It kinda helped. But then I remembered that my
friend knows someone who has this Online Diary thing. So I
went and searched for one.

I found this and here I am now. I guess it's helping me out
alot. I'm calming down. But just cuz I'm writing my
feelings and venting, that doesn't mean my issues changed
any. Just right now I have a better knowledge of what I can
say tomorrow. lol.

If my mom pisses me off tomorrow, I will say about how I
can call the cops right then. And they'll both go. Actually
when I wake up tomorrow I will look for the restraining
order, just to have it handy.

If I'm going to suffer, than fuck so is everyone else!
I have to get some sleep now. My school Orientation is
today, at around 11a.m. and I know I'll look like shit. But
I doubt I'll go anyways. But sleep is usually good.
I just hope I dont sleep like I do when this usually
happens. That sleep where you wake up every half an hour
and junk. And you have a different nightmare everytime your
eyes close, dang I hate that stuff.

The thing that sucks the most for me to think about
today...Is that when I woke up I realized my life was
finally looking up, and now I'm going to bed feeling like
I'm being torted. I just don't understand if everythings
going good, why my mom has to go and get back together with
him. Nothing good EVER comes from them together.
Sweet Dreams, Good Night!
...Love ya...