SoTired

Me
2002-11-24 19:48:48 (UTC)

The Readers Digest Version

I have decided I really don't want to spend forever typing
all that has happened. So in a nutshell here's been the
last few months.

I left you with one totaled car. Two months later we have
two totaled cars. Some jerk decided to come into my lane on
the freeway. I now am afraid to drive more than surface
streets and I don't go that far. I just freak and can't
handle more. I've broken down in tears on the freeway while
someone else was driving because I was so scared.

On the night I had the second accident my dad came to get
me and he was arrested. The cops leave me alone with a head
injury outside a closed restaurant. My step mom throws me
out of the house. Then she tries to forcibly take away my
house keys. I was so scared I locked myself in mom's car.
Lived with my mom the rest of the summer. Mom had to help
me deal with my car, get a new car and find a new place to
live. I feel so bad that she has had to help me so much.

Broke up with my boyfriend. Felt good about it becuase I
lost a lot of who I was when I was with him. By being his
friend I could have the parts of him I liked and didn't
have to deal with the other stuff. At the end of all the
bad stuff that happened this summer I found out that he was
cheating. Him and I are still talking about it and I don't
know what to think or do. After how much of myself I lost
with him the thought that he cheated is unbearable.

I now live on my own renting a room in a house. I was so
happy to be here. I thought wow a home full of christians
this is going to be great. Land lady went postal on one of
the roomates. Now I am back living with a crazy. I can't
move until my mom and dad decide to stop fighting with each
other. I hide in my room becuase I am afraid it's my step
mom all over again.

I won't talk to my step mom. She crossed the line this
time. My dad seems like he wants us to just make up and
it's ok. It's not. I don't care if she says she is sorry. I
worry about my dad. He's tight on money, he lives with the
fruit loop and he had to move recently. He's drinking a
lot. Has been now for awhile.

I don't know what to think about church.I have done things
that so go against what I know. I feel awful and I am
really trying to turn things around. I can't talk to anyone
there about what I have done becuase people in the church
are so ungraceful soemtimes. It's like we expect everyone
to be super christians. We don't let down our guard because
we are afraid not to be seen as super Christians. When I
was away this summer and going through everything no one
got in touch with me. That bugs me that I can be going
through that much, be gone for that long and no one stops
and goes hey where is she? Also now I feel like when I am
with them they are so nice to me but I am not in the group
if that makes sense. They all know eachother and hang out
outside of church and call each other and are friends. Like
today in church. I came in and no one was there. I notice
that the group starts to come in. I hear them talking about
who they need to save seats for. I was not one of them so I
stayed put becuase they didn't have the room. At the end of
the service one of the girls said hey you should have sat
with us we had an extra seat. I wanted to say yeah becuase
Scotty didn't show up. Afterwards it didn't seem like
anyone was too interested in me. They walked out the doors
and didn't seem to care if I was following.I got frustrated
and I'm like forget it if you guys go to lunch you can go
without me and I came home. You shouldn't come home from
church ready to cry.

So yeah things have been interesting. If people ask how I'm
doing if it's a stranger it's yeah I'm doing ok. If it's a
friend I just answer in one piece and they laugh. But I'm
not ok. How am I supposed to be when things won't get
better?