shifting mists
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2002-11-24 18:29:30 (UTC)

on leaving...

... my grandmother is dying... death in itself is nothing that
bothers me... it's there all the time, it's a part of life... and
though i sometimes feel guilt over it i don't mourn as most of those
around me seem to... the pain i feel... i feel now ... while she's
alive and in pain ... but in having gone... i'm not sure why but i
don't feel the earth 'shift' with loss... i never have and i'm not
sure that i ever will...

... the thing is ... i'm here ... i live here ... in the house with
her ... i help care for her ... i sit and talk to her .. a virtual
stranger ... a woman who has always acted as if she only had OnE
grandchild instead of three ...

It's amazing
how you make your face just like a wall
how you take your heart and turn it off
how I turn my head and lose it all

... i never really got a chance to spend any time with her or get to
know her at all until these past two years or so ...

....i've watched the way my cousin (the 'perfect' grandson) has
betrayed her over and over ... stabbed her in the back ... lied, not
just to her but to everyone.. repetitively ... hurt her feelings ...
ignored her needs... refused to think of anyone but himself...
refused to even listen to her or her wishes... and worked damned hard
at being a completely selfish and self centered asshole during this
entire time... never visiting ... rarely calling ... saying he'll
come then not showing ... promising to do things then conveniently
ignoring that they are there to be done ... not even hiding the fact
that he didn't forget but just 'ignored' the tasks ...

It's unnerving
how just one move puts me by myself
there you go just trusting someone else

... and even now ... after having finally gotten the chance to get to
know her ... having her thread her way through my heart ... within
her eyes that i am not deserving of her love... i don't even exist in
the shadow he casts ... even with me being the one who is there for
her every day ... the one who helps her and sits and talks with her
at the side of her bed where she's now stranded ... the one who
~does~ devote time to her ...

But if that's how it's gonna leave
straight out from underneath
then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
you know you've been depending on
the one you're leaving now
the one you're leaving out

.... it hurts ... i know the morphine loosens her tongue .... but i
also know that the things she says are things she has felt all along
but just had the good sense to keep to herself before now ... she
doesn't consider me her grandchild ... she doesn't love me as a
grandchild ... she doesn't see me or my love and devotion at all ....
all she sees is him shining there like her own personal sun ...
perfect in her eyes ... and me just as flawed within that gaze as he
is perfect ...

Tell me is that how it's going to end
when you know you've been depending on
the one you're leaving now
and the one you're leaving out

...she's dying right here in front of me ... withering away by the
vicious bites of the cancer racing through her body ... racing faster
than i ever realized cancer could move ... and she talks ... about
the longing of loving grandchildren being near her .. wanting
closeness and devotion ... and it's right there in front of her ...
in me .... but she doesn't care ... doesn't even see it ... because
what she's really saying is that there is nothing i can possibly do
to make her happy... ... she wants him ... only him...

... and he's too callous and self centered to even come for a few
hours unless threatened by my mother of the personal consequences to
him (doled out by her later) if he were to not ...

Lyrics courtesy of the song "Leave" by Matchbox20.