inque09

inque nine/synthetic sour
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2001-08-21 07:23:31 (UTC)

I am Azrael Abyss, Prince of Sor-row

agh. well 2morrow (2day, actually...i just realized it's
1am) will b my last day here in edmonton. i can't believe
it... i just... dont want this 2 happen. i mean, im lookin
4wd to the ride bak and everything, cuz it'll b like a
vacation, but... is it really worth having 2 stay @ home
and communicate w/ the mother and risk having 2 communicate
w/ the rest of the family?? sumhow i dun think so..... i
mean, i was never dyin fer a vacation n e way. i am
perfectly content stayin rite here!!!! even holed up in
this apartment, im happy!!! and im not just sayin that....
even when "this day" was ages away, i'd still realize where
i am and wat im doing and realize im HAPPY. this is so
unfair..... i think she is being selfish. im sure the same
could b said about me, but think about it... i didnt just
move out, I RAN AWAY. i left in the middle of the nite, i
just ran out of the house, i brought hardly ne thing w/ me,
just the clothes on my back and a couple books cuz they
just happened 2 b in the bag i grabbed. i hid from her
from the time i left to that one time we had 2 go back 2 bc
fer marvin's car. hello? can't n e one see that I DON'T
WANT TO BE IN BC? i mean... it's not like sumone *told* me
to leave. it's not like i did it regretting n e thing.
it's not like i ever wanted 2 stay.
oh well. i am powerless in this situation, im sorri 2
say. wat else can i do but suck it in and just endure it?
thats the only thing i *can* do. things will b worse in
the long run if i put up a fuss just so i dont have 2 go.
c im being hedonistic here, the *true* defn. of
hedonism ... @ least how i believe it. live for
happiness...TRUE happiness. not just the one instant
situation yer livin in @ the moment. hedonistically, the
moral thing 2 do here would be to go... so i can get it
over w/... and after that, there will b no pain (unless the
mother messes my future up yet again, by trying 2 make me
come bak for xmas or watever...but im determined not 2 let
that happen). if i found a way 2 not go NOW, that'd make
NOW more enjoyable, but not my future. i'll b harassed and
shite, and probably hafta go back some other time, which'll
lead to all this bullshit again. BULLshit. so going is
the rite thing 2 do... which i guess is a reason im
going... and not putting up much of a fight. but ohhhh...
just b/c i know it's rite and that my future'll be better,
doesn't make it n e easier to live thru.
agghhhh. this is going 2 b such hell. just me and my
mother and no marvin to save me......... i want this to all
be OVER!!!

xxx.


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