Nate S.

Self Starter
2001-08-21 06:18:09 (UTC)

Passing God up...

I just got out of a relationship that lasted 3 years. I
think we started having sex somewhere into our second year,
maybe earlier. It started out as a Godly relationship, or
so i thought. I was 16 when i met her and she was 15. So
many times i've wished i could change things. It's hard to
comprehend how badly it hurts. I was to young to promise to
marry her but i told her i loved her, and i meant it. I did
love her. I'm 19 now. She just turned 18. I lost control
and so did she. We rationalized everything and would
promise never to let it happen again. I longed to have sex
with her again but despised it and my self at the same
time. It became an addiction. I was an animal. I was
rotting from the inside out; my soul was over come by rigor
mortis. I was dying spiritual. I was stressed physicaly but
could not let my addiction go. It took months of coaxing by
God to surrender to him. It still continued but the
connection to her slowly dissolved. God was building an
exit. i walked thru it about a month ago. I died that day.
I felt my guts spill out and did not habve the strength to
put them back. I sometimes wonder if i made the right
decision. It would be so easy to go back and feel loved
again but the desires are still there and i would rot all
over again. I'm learning to give up control of my life and
allow God to take over. I'm learning to make him my first
love. I still stumble. I think i know what He's doing or
what He wants and I dive in head first, usually splitting
it wide open.
I'm moving on. Maybe a little to quickly i think. I'm
trying to let God lead the way but i think i'm passing him
up.




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