*MaNMaDeOFaSHes-

My Perfect Waste of Time
2002-11-23 19:24:06 (UTC)

Tired

I have been up most of the night giving my walls color.
Character. Anything but the depression black strokes that
for so long represented my mood. Often, my modivation comes
through depression. Or the attempt to rise above it. I
realized for the past few months Ive been happy but havent
done shit in the way of artwork. Just last night... er..
early this morning I covered two walls with beautiful
abstract nothingness. I cant wait for the next time I
shroom in my room. Bad night last night. Christa was over.
I made the effort to be sort of impersonal all day. Or
rather, I never opened up the oppertunity for her to kiss
me. She smokes ciggerettes, so even when I actually want to
kiss her, its hard to actually enjoy it. Im not looking
forward to talking to her and Tuesday, but I need to tell
her to sort of back off. I dont want to be with anyone
right now, and she wont fucking stop pushing ever after we
talk and talk and talk about how I feel. I told her Im not
ready to be emotionally attached to anyone right now. She
should just be happy I dont fuck and forget about her, which
I know would be so easy with her. She says I drive her
crazy. I keep her balanced. She makes me feel lopsided.
Shes too much for me. To bold. To different of an up
bringing. However I care about her, so Im not going to do
anything to compliment my biological urges. That is to say
fuck her, when I dont feel like I want to be with her. I
can tell she is already being hurt by my erratic kissing
pattern... (kissing her somedays and avoiding it others.) I
have tell her tomorrow that I cant do it at all anymore.
Sigh... . who know how shitty it would be to reject someone.
Although I guess its hard when you do care about them, and
are trying to avoid hurting them at the same time.
Rejection is ooohhhh so much better. I hate people thinking
Im a sexy bastard. It would be easier if they could see me
how I do when looking in the mirror. Oh how sweet that
would be. But then I know if that happened I would want to
go back. Oh the joys of life, propelled by the
inconsistance of my impulsive, erratic mind. I dont know
how anyone puts up with me, let alone becomes attracted to me.

you all suck

Gene




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