Me and More
2002-11-23 10:13:41 (UTC)


Howdy peeps-

OK, I'm having some very bad thoughts. Have you ever
thought that you weren't good enough for a person, pretty
enough, skinny enough, etc.? Well, I'm thinking that a lot
tonight. I can't say what brought this on, but it's no
one's fault. Just my fucked up way of thinking.

I'm so fucked up, I don't know why people put up with me,
why I even have friends or even a boyfriend. I'm so scared
to let me BF see my body. I don't want him to say what my
ex did. I'm scared that he'll leave me because of the way I
look. I dunno, why do I even have these thought. He doesn't
he make me feel that way.

I dunno. I need help. I told him that he's not going to see
me until I loose weight and I mean it. I don't care if I
have to starve myself and exercise constantly to loose
weight I'll do it. I hate being fat. Even though people
tell me I'm not, but I think they are just saying that
because they don't want to hurt my feelings.

I get called fat a lot, or I get looks, especially from the
girls. Like I'm this huge disgusting blob. People
automatically assume that because I'm overweight I eat and
don't exercise, and that hurts the most. I don't eat a lot
and I can't exercise because of my ever failing health. But
people don't care to get the truth, the would rather
believe the myth than the facts. I guess some people around
here just like hurting others. That's one of the reasons
why I hated school. I got used and abused there.

I would get groped by sick guys, I would be called fat
either in front of my face or behind me loud enough where I
could hear. The "friends" I did have, only used me because
I had money. And I let them because I need people to like
me. Like I said I'm fucked up. I know, I pathetic. Why do
you think I'm seeing a therapist?