Just another life
2002-11-23 05:36:48 (UTC)


"You can't live with them, you can't live without them."
"Nothing's worse than the scorn of a woman."
"Women rule the world, only because they rule Men."

I often sit and wonder why we are WHO we are. Not why were
here, or how long have we been here, but why are who we
are. Why couldn’t I have been born “COOL”? I’m tired of
sitting around watching all the good looking girls flirt
with me and act like maybe they like me. But ,then, when
it comes down to it, they blow me off. Maybe they don’t
but that’s the way it seems. You say I should just forget
them? Well, I can’t. I’ve liked these chicks for like
almost ten years. I’m a loser. Not because I can’t get
with these girls, or because I’m not part of the in-crowd.
I’m a loser because I won’t give up. I’m too headstrong.
I don’t like losing, and I feel as if this is something I’m
been fighting for my whole life. To get with one of
the “popular girls”…I believe that only Heaven will be able
to explain the feeling I’ll get if I can get with them, or
just one even. Melissa, Megan, even Georgia. Those three
girls mainly, because out of all the best looking girls in
my school, besides the fact that these three make up almost
all of them, they seem to be the most attracted to me. I
hope they are, because I would feel real stupid if they
don’t have a single thing for me and I just thought they
did. That sounds pathetic. Hey, whatever. Like I said, I
have a right to feel any way I want. I’ve fought to be
popular for so long. But, yeah. I get compliments on how
good I look, but I’m not attractive for the right reasons.
I look good, but not many girls think I’m that cool. I
want to be looked at as a GREAT GUY. They flirt around,
about my body perhaps, but they don’t show any sign of true
feelings. And I have more than enough feelings for both of
them. Melissa and Megan, of course. Georgia is very
attractive, but she’s taken at the moment. “Good shot
Brock.” It feels weird. I always thought that girls think
mostly about personality and least of body, while it was
the other way around with guys. Now I feel like it’s been
switched. The girls want to look good, and are concerned
about how they look at all times, while guys, or at least
myself, worry about not acting stupid. Even though I think
that this applies to most people, these rules do not always
apply. Like John, he doesn’t care about how he looks. He
does what he does and it doesn’t matter what anyone says.
And Melissa. She is the most stubborn person I know. She
doesn’t care how “You” feel. As long as she’s happy with
herself, then nothing else matters. That pisses me off
sometimes. When I feel how she makes me feel, then I kind
of want her to be hurt, or embarrassed. She’s not worried
about anything, and I’m worried about everything. Maybe
it’s good that she doesn’t have anything to do with me. We
might not even mix well, considering how uptight I would be
if we went out. I would do anything for her, which would
make me look whipped, and not in good, honorable way. In
crude terms, like a pussy. Then I would always ask
her “What’s wrong?” and “Where were you?”. No. I wouldn’t
do for her. She needs a laid back, redneck. A headstrong…
man. Not me. I’m just not mature enough for her I guess.
Or maybe I’m MORE mature than her. Either way, I don’t get
to have her. I don’t care how mature I am, as long as I
get her, or Megan. But Megan’s different. She makes me
feel below her. Just the way she acts. She likes the
attention I give her, but only when I’m the only one giving
it. When there are other guys, “cooler” guys around, I
take second place. And can’t complain. I CAN’T get pissed
off. I don’t go out with her, and I don’t even think she
likes me, so I don’t have any room to bitch……..I believe
Megan thinks I’m stupid or something. Maybe pathetic. I
can’t win. I didn’t feel that way really before that ACE
trip. But after that conversation we had, I’ve felt dumb.
I feel like she thinks she knows me now, and that I’m this
complete, whining loser. Hey, maybe I am. Which I can
accept, until I remember that THEY don’t take losers. See,
my life is surrounded around women, and what they think. I
can live with being a loser as long as I got one of them.
I’d rather have it that way than where I’m at now. I’m not
a complete loser, or at least I don’t think so, but I don’t
have a chance with the girls. I can’t stand the thought of
them looking down on me in any way. I don’t know. I truly
don’t believe this, but I’ve been playing with the thought
that maybe, besides there incredibly good looks, I only
want to get with them to prove something to myself. I have
to have people say I look good, to my face. I need that to
feel good about myself. Without those compliments, then I
think I suck. So maybe I feel that if I can get with one
of those ladies, then I would have higher self-esteem.
Maybe that was what it WAS like, but not anymore. I can’t
get them off my mind. I’m not thinking of how great my
self-esteem will be, “ohhhhh boy”. I’m thinking of how
great THEY are. With every flaw they have, I can still
love them just as much. Maybe love is a little strong.
I’m probably just infatuated with them, but as far as I
know, this feeling is love. I’ll just call it that. It’s
almost like I’m on the verge of giving up the war. I’ve
lost the past few battles, taking a lot of casualties. And
now it’s almost like I don’t WANT to feel this strongly for
them, but I can’t help it. Like, I know they’ll never take
me, but I don’t want to accept that. I can’t. I won’t.
If I feel this strongly for them, then I really must be
onto something. I must fight until I’m an old fool,
wishing I had given up years ago. But I won’t regret it.
It’s a worthy, no, the worthiest reason to fight, WOMEN.

“HOW I LOVE THEM ALL." -Einar Shane Waldun