Just another life
"You can't live with them, you can't live without them."
"Nothing's worse than the scorn of a woman."
"Women rule the world, only because they rule Men."
I often sit and wonder why we are WHO we are. Not why were
here, or how long have we been here, but why are who we
are. Why couldnt I have been born COOL? Im tired of
sitting around watching all the good looking girls flirt
with me and act like maybe they like me. But ,then, when
it comes down to it, they blow me off. Maybe they dont
but thats the way it seems. You say I should just forget
them? Well, I cant. Ive liked these chicks for like
almost ten years. Im a loser. Not because I cant get
with these girls, or because Im not part of the in-crowd.
Im a loser because I wont give up. Im too headstrong.
I dont like losing, and I feel as if this is something Im
been fighting for my whole life. To get with one of
the popular girls I believe that only Heaven will be able
to explain the feeling Ill get if I can get with them, or
just one even. Melissa, Megan, even Georgia. Those three
girls mainly, because out of all the best looking girls in
my school, besides the fact that these three make up almost
all of them, they seem to be the most attracted to me. I
hope they are, because I would feel real stupid if they
dont have a single thing for me and I just thought they
did. That sounds pathetic. Hey, whatever. Like I said, I
have a right to feel any way I want. Ive fought to be
popular for so long. But, yeah. I get compliments on how
good I look, but Im not attractive for the right reasons.
I look good, but not many girls think Im that cool. I
want to be looked at as a GREAT GUY. They flirt around,
about my body perhaps, but they dont show any sign of true
feelings. And I have more than enough feelings for both of
them. Melissa and Megan, of course. Georgia is very
attractive, but shes taken at the moment. Good shot
Brock. It feels weird. I always thought that girls think
mostly about personality and least of body, while it was
the other way around with guys. Now I feel like its been
switched. The girls want to look good, and are concerned
about how they look at all times, while guys, or at least
myself, worry about not acting stupid. Even though I think
that this applies to most people, these rules do not always
apply. Like John, he doesnt care about how he looks. He
does what he does and it doesnt matter what anyone says.
And Melissa. She is the most stubborn person I know. She
doesnt care how You feel. As long as shes happy with
herself, then nothing else matters. That pisses me off
sometimes. When I feel how she makes me feel, then I kind
of want her to be hurt, or embarrassed. Shes not worried
about anything, and Im worried about everything. Maybe
its good that she doesnt have anything to do with me. We
might not even mix well, considering how uptight I would be
if we went out. I would do anything for her, which would
make me look whipped, and not in good, honorable way. In
crude terms, like a pussy. Then I would always ask
her Whats wrong? and Where were you?. No. I wouldnt
do for her. She needs a laid back, redneck. A headstrong
man. Not me. Im just not mature enough for her I guess.
Or maybe Im MORE mature than her. Either way, I dont get
to have her. I dont care how mature I am, as long as I
get her, or Megan. But Megans different. She makes me
feel below her. Just the way she acts. She likes the
attention I give her, but only when Im the only one giving
it. When there are other guys, cooler guys around, I
take second place. And cant complain. I CANT get pissed
off. I dont go out with her, and I dont even think she
likes me, so I dont have any room to bitch ..I believe
Megan thinks Im stupid or something. Maybe pathetic. I
cant win. I didnt feel that way really before that ACE
trip. But after that conversation we had, Ive felt dumb.
I feel like she thinks she knows me now, and that Im this
complete, whining loser. Hey, maybe I am. Which I can
accept, until I remember that THEY dont take losers. See,
my life is surrounded around women, and what they think. I
can live with being a loser as long as I got one of them.
Id rather have it that way than where Im at now. Im not
a complete loser, or at least I dont think so, but I dont
have a chance with the girls. I cant stand the thought of
them looking down on me in any way. I dont know. I truly
dont believe this, but Ive been playing with the thought
that maybe, besides there incredibly good looks, I only
want to get with them to prove something to myself. I have
to have people say I look good, to my face. I need that to
feel good about myself. Without those compliments, then I
think I suck. So maybe I feel that if I can get with one
of those ladies, then I would have higher self-esteem.
Maybe that was what it WAS like, but not anymore. I cant
get them off my mind. Im not thinking of how great my
self-esteem will be, ohhhhh boy. Im thinking of how
great THEY are. With every flaw they have, I can still
love them just as much. Maybe love is a little strong.
Im probably just infatuated with them, but as far as I
know, this feeling is love. Ill just call it that. Its
almost like Im on the verge of giving up the war. Ive
lost the past few battles, taking a lot of casualties. And
now its almost like I dont WANT to feel this strongly for
them, but I cant help it. Like, I know theyll never take
me, but I dont want to accept that. I cant. I wont.
If I feel this strongly for them, then I really must be
onto something. I must fight until Im an old fool,
wishing I had given up years ago. But I wont regret it.
Its a worthy, no, the worthiest reason to fight, WOMEN.
HOW I LOVE THEM ALL." -Einar Shane Waldun