marinabreeze

as the Oval turns
2001-08-20 16:51:11 (UTC)

Righteous Indignation???

Last week, I was feeling so depressed...I'm 20 years old, I
don't have any resemblance of a dating life. Yes, I have
friends, but it would be nice to go out to a movie or to a
coffeehouse w/someone of the opposite sex once in a while.
The bad thing is, I go to the second-largest college in the
country, and most of the student body is male, but it seems
like the only ones that see that I'm in the land of the
living are the looney toons...oh well. I still don't like
the whole thing, but at least I'm not depressed.

Last night, I was talking to Pacey on IM. I'm starting to
think that I need to cut the bastard off...but anyway, we
were talking about dating in general, or what I call "the
Game." The brotha asked me about my thoughts on the
subject, and I told him. My fingers felt like they were
dripping with venom, b/c unfortunately a lot of my problems
with "the Game" are embodied in this one man. I was
telling him about how I hate the hypocrisy and the
shallowness in dating, and how it defies common logic. And
I went on to say that I think it's funny that some people
will hook up w/folks for looks, then find out that they're
not about much and wonder why, as if looks equals
personality...I said some other stuff too, trying not to
cut into Pacey but it was hard b/c I think that he's an
asshole for what he's done and how he's treated me for the
past year and a half. So after I was done telling it like
it is, Pacey said "I hope you don't hate all men, that will
get you hurt." I didn't mean to give that impression...I
had to think about that. I think that the only reasons I
even deal with men is because I'm too attracted to them and
I'm not a lesbian. I think one of the difficult things in
my life is dealing with guys b/c of the disproportionate
amount of really bad experiences I've had...I don't ever
want to get so hard-hearted to the point that I meet a man
who appreciates me for who I am as a person but I don't
have it in me to let him get close, but as I'm getting
older it's becoming increasingly difficult...

My classes have been okay...I finished my take home final
for my black politics class. It was a great class, but I
had to write three reaction papers, an expansive term paper
which included a survey I had to conduct, and a take home
final with five 500-word essays. I never thought I'd say
this, but I'm to the point that if I hear anything else
about race and/or politics, then I will seriously scream!

My friend Jerm from Cali is coming to visit us here in
Ohio...he's gone here for school, but he's not coming back
this year, so we're all getting together one last time
tomorrow...that's sooo jacked up that he's not going to be
with us anymore, but I believe that God has some sort of
higher purpose for having him there. And I'm looking
forward to seeing him...that's definitely my boy :) Pacey
might try to come up for the whole thing, and Jenna should
be up for it as well...I don't want to look at Pacey
though, not now...a part of me wishes that he was the one
bouncing instead of Jerm, and I'll be glad in a sense when
he graduates in June, but I don't know...I think Pacey and
I have had too much crap b/w us. But in any case, it'll be
sad to say goodbye to Jerm, but that's life, I guess...




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