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2001-08-20 15:41:35 (UTC)

fuck him.

i start college tomorrow.
that should be interesting.
ive been thinking recently..
i cant live with him anymore.
and i dont know what to do.
i just dont need this in my life anymore.
for a long time i was just conditioned to it
and now that ive seen other sides of things.
i cant deal with this anymore.
and i shouldnt fucking be expected to.
im not going to be fake nice anymore.
im sick of this shit.
im tired of kissing his ass.
although i do it less than ANYone else in my family.
im not even going to give him that satisfaction anymore.
ill be 18 soon.
and things will be different then. definetly.
but right now.
i feel like killing him.
i feel like taking out all my pain and confusing that HE
bestowed on MY life. on his fucking head.
what really pisses me off is that he doesnt even know. hes
not AWARE. that hes wrong. when its quite apparent to
everyone else involved that he is. especially to me.
i wish that i could just show him what it fucking is like.
to have to learn how to be okay with yourself in ways that
most people dont even have to deal with. while having one
of the most influencial people in your life. that you love.
tell you how disgusting and evil and wrong you are. fuck
him. just fuck him for ever giving me this life if hes
going to hate me so badly for living it. fuck him. fuck him
for hating me when i would have given him all the fucking
love i had. fuck him for throwing my attempts back in my
face. fuck him for being such a complete fuckgin prick and
fucking with my head. and fuck him for making me hate him.
i didnt even think it was possible for me to feel so
strongly about something so horrible. just fuck him for
everything hes ever fucked up. the way he makes people i
care about most in the world. like my mom. or emily. or my
sister. feel like shit. i hate him so much for that.
i need to get out of here. away from him soon. im never
home. i cant stand to be near him. smell him. anything. i
dont know how much longer i can deal with this. jesus. 5
years. 5 fucking years of hate. hate. hate.

i would have loved him. you know.
but i guess reality just got in the way.