Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2002-11-22 09:34:24 (UTC)

Guess I fucked it up

I think I misunderstood what Dave said on Monday. He said
he might come over. I thought that meant that if he
didn't have to go to Maryland he would come over here.
Tonight I find that is not necessarly the case.

I'm almost positive he doesn't have to go out of town. He
was still unsure if he would come over or not though. I
got too excited about it all this week.

I was ready if he said he had to go out of town. That
would be fine with me. Knowing that he just decided not
to come visit me isn't something I prepared for. It would
be a bit of a blow to the heart if that happened. I
thought he was excited to get a chance to spend some time
with me.

I guess that might not be the case. I am beginning to
think he doesn't care that much about spending time with
me. Why would he want to spend time with a girl he can't
date? Am I just fooling myself into thinking he wants to
be a good friend offline too?

I'll just come out and say I have bad PMS right now.
Earlier I felt like jumping off a tall building. I had a
terrible day in watercolor class today. Our prof went off
on how he thought 1/3 of the class didn't do the
assignment right and he was really pissed off. None of us
managed to catch what pissed him off so badly. We weren't
sure which part of the assignment he thought we fucked up.

That made me want to come home and get drunk. I still had
Comp Art at 6pm though. In that class we sat through our
prof talking about a book of cats that paint. It was a
book of fake facts. It was so dull!

I am very depressed right now. I hate being on my
period. It fucks with my emotions!

I am in a great mood to get fucked up and have fun.
That's why I am really hoping Dave will come over. I'm in
a mood to play.

If he doesn't come I might be upset with him. I just hope
I don't get too down about it this weekend. It's not all
his fault if I get depressed about it. I let myself get
too excited about him MAYBE coming. I should have tried
to totally forget about it. Instead I got excited.

I knew I would be let down again. I predicted it early in
the week and now it's coming true. Guess wishing on the
stars doesn't help anything. I always wish on the first
star I see. Recently my wishes have been mostly about
getting to see Dave. We never get to see eachother and it
sucks. I just want to see my friend.

I need that hug he owes me! I need the chance to get
drunk and let more happen. I want to see how things go
this time when the two of us are drunk. I'm willing to go
a little farther and see how things go.

Maybe he thinks more could happen and doesn't want to let
it happen. I have no clue. All this thinking is just
getting me down on myself. I am now thinking that maybe
he just doesn't want to see me. He doesn't seem to have
the same want to see me as I do him. Is there something
wrong with me? Or has something better come along?

If he has something better to do this weekend I would like
to know. I don't want to ask him though. He might think
I'm trying to talk him into coming and wouldn't listen to
what he's doing instead.

I would feel selfish trying to talk him into coming. If
he doesn't want to come then I can't make him. I did joke
that I might have to kidnap him if he wasn't coming this
weekend.

That was when he told me he might not come. I feel like
crying right now, but the tears won't come. I'm not sad I
guess, just really frustrated. I am mad at my emotions
for getting this into it all.

I just need to go to bed and try not to over think things.


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