Lost and Found
2001-08-20 05:55:51 (UTC)

Waiting For a Better Day

Thats what I am doing - I am waiting for a better day. A
day far away from this one and all the others that have
gone before.

I am in love with a mythical man. He exists in my everyday
and he calls me some times but he is not he. He is my
mythical man. He isnt very handsome but he is strong. And
he dresses funny but he is smart. His hair is kind of 80's
but his eyes are kind. He isnt available but he is very
tender. He doesnt know how I feel and he never will. He
didnt choose me. But he feels me just the same. We will
never touch, he will never run his fingers through my hair,
he will never whisper to me in the night and I will never
show him that someone understands him, someone gets it,
someone sees. I will never show him that it doesnt have to
be about betrayal and lies and pain and he will never
provide for me or show me that I am beautiful or tell me
that I am special to him. It seems kind of useless really -
being in love with him. It is not a passionate kind of love
or an all consuming one. Its not one I need to mourn for or
work for. Its not one that makes me feel like dying - but i
do cry for him. Its not a kind of love that i just have to
have. He isnt the man I have to chase and flirt with and
possess or win. He isnt the kind of man i have to look at
and say "yeah I had him". Its much quiter than that.
Unspoken. Untold. I only see him now and then. Maybe once
or twice every couple of months. It could have been more
than that. Almost every day - but i am much too smart for
that now. When I was younger it would have been all
consuming for me. But I have learnt to live. He married
someone else. She kind of met him first. Like, first in
first served, as if he is a big jumble sale. But every now
and then when I see him - once or twice every couple of
months - he looks at me, really looks at me. He stares. I
stare back for just a short moment and my heart freezes, I
feel this question he asks me just once or twice every
couple of months, feel it not hear it and i do not know
what he is asking, I really do not know (- in my head - do
you know what i mean -) I dont know what he is asking and I
can never hope to know what he is asking but he looks at me
anyway, right at me, and I feel him asking and I know, I
know that when he looks at me he can feel me saying yes
even though i do not know what i am saying yes to and that,
that moment when my heart stops and my face reddens and i
am trembling inside and he sees me and i am frozen seeing
him - no one else sees this moment - i dont think anyone
else looks at me like that - that moment once or twice
every couple of months is so damn beautiful it means
everything to me.