Ashlynn_4420

Ashley
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2001-08-20 02:51:26 (UTC)

Happy Times Again

Hey what's up? Well I decided to get rid of my other
journal because I can't write in that one anymore for some
reason...so oh well. I will give this one a try. Anyways,
I have been trying to write, like I said but it would not
let me save what I have written. So I have a lot that I
want to catch up on. Well, first off, let's start with
Thursday. Thursday night me, Kim, Kelly, Kevin, Crystal,
Mike and Pete were all drinkin at Kim's house because her
mom was in Cape Cod for the weekend. Well I had a lot of
fun and was pretty messed up. Mike was supposed to come
and hang out with us but he was sleepin and everytime I
tried to call him he wouldn't wake up. Finally around
10:30-11 he finally picked up his cell phone. I was happy
to actually get to talk to him. I argued with him for
about a half hour for him to come up and see me. Finally I
got him to come. I was really happy because I missed him
and wanted to see him. When he got there...everyone seemed
to be just going to bed so I told him that I wanted to go
back to his house with him and stay there...I just wanted
to be with him...that's all. But I felt bad because I made
him late for work again...I don't like doing that...so I
think I am going to let him go to bed earlier on work
nights...I am sure he was never late until I came into the
picture. But anyways, I am sure he had fun
though...because I did. I also cried though..I don't know
why..but I did. I think it was because I had all these old
feelings of caring for someone a real lot...and those
feelings have been locked up for soooo long..and I think it
was just scary to think that I maybe actually falling in
love with him...yea, it may take a while for that to
happen, but I really am..and I haven't felt this way in a
very very long time. I guess it just scares me to think
that he could get up and leave anytime he wants to. And I
don't want that to happen..ever...at all. I couldn't go
through that again..not so soon. But he made me feel
comfortable crying in front of him...I usually end up
leaving the room or takin off in my car because I don't
like to have people see me cry..specially if it's a
boyfriend, or a friend. But he was very comforting and I
thank him for that. He seemed like he actually cared about
how i felt. And that just made me happier. Then of Friday
me, Kim and Kevin took shrooms. And I don't think that I
will ever do that again..I mean yea, they were fun in a way
because all I could do was laugh. But it was hard to be in
control of myself. It was like everyone was looking at me
and laughing and I couldn't help my laughing...so, it was
just a trial. I think I am going to try to quit
everything, cept drinkin I guess. But I don't even want to
smoke cigs either...but it is hard because everyone,
almost, I know smokes..and I can't just stand there and not
smoke. But I dunno. I made Mike take me back to his house
on Friday too. I just wanted to be with him..I would have
loved to just lay in bed with him all day...it woulda been
nice. We talked about a lot of things on Friday
night...just layin there together. I cried twice. I
talked about things that I don't ever talk about to
anyone. One of them was my abortion...geeze I hate that
word. I regret doing what I did..but if I could have...I
would have raised that child. But it wasn't my choice to
keep it or not. It was my mom's. And I blame her for it.
But there is nothing I could do about it. I am just scared
that it will happen again. And I don't want that..I
couldn't take that. He/She would be a year this
month...*sigh* I will never think of that child as
something that I killed...I just think of him/her as
something I had no choice but to give up...which is as hard
as it is...but there is nothing I can do. Another thing we
talked about was what happened to me on August 27th 1998.
that's something I haven't really talked about since it
happened. It is just so hard for me to let go of it. I
can't ever forget it I know...but I just wish that it
wouldn't stick to me like glue. I felt like he cared when
he was listening to me...like he knows how I feel...and I
feel bad for his ex-fiance...she went thru it too..worse
then I did...and I feel so bad for her...but I know how she
feels...and I would do anything to help anyone who ever
wanted to talk about something like that..that happened to
them...specially since I've been thru it. And it might
help me in a way too..but I dunno. I just felt so
comfortable talking to him...and having him hold me made me
feel safe. I haven't felt safe in a long time..with
anyone...but he treats me different..and I really like him
a lot..and I hope that we last a very very long time. On
Saturday, I worked, then I went to Mike's and we hung out
with Bryce...and then we drank during the night..I had
fun..didn't cry that night..which I am happy about...but I
wish I was there right now...i would be much happier...but
at least I can still talk to him on the phone...just
hearing his voice makes me happy...but for now, I think I
have written enough..I have filled you in on everything
that has happened this weekend..and maybe I'll write
tomorrow. Lata!


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