bslinker

Memoirs of a Deserted Husband
2002-11-21 16:47:57 (UTC)

Sick and Tired

Reasons for no entries was because last week was a tiresom
week. Trying to catch up on some rest from my collapse of
exhaustion over a week ago and also fighting a sinus
infection...... just wears an old man down.

The events over the past couple of days have been up and
down for me. Finding out this past friday that the papers
have been filed on November 8th due to a error on the part
of the lawyer and no fault of Tammy's. I bet you anything
that as of this writing that Tammy doesn't even know. I've
been debating on telling her. But so far, have yet to do
so. I guess I am just as confused as she is because I'm not
sure really what to do at this point. She's turned down my
invite of a dinner date (which I knew I shouldn't have
asked but was talked into) last friday. But in turn I still
wanted to help her out on Sat when she was sick. Why do I
do these things??? Am I really that friggin stupid for
letting myself continue to get hurt but run to help her
when she is in need??? I need to be checked out or I just
need to check myself out..... PERMANENTLY.

Ya know?? I should have taken that job offer out in
Columbus Ohio. A 2-3 year onsite contract. My moving
expenses would have been paid, would come home on weekends
to see my boys. All in all to just get the hell away from
here and the people that live around here. Knowing my frame
of mind, I'm gonna wind up committing suicide before this
is all over and done with. Tammy doesn't know what the hell
she wants, I confused all to hell, not knowing what I
should do. Thats why I should have taken that job offer,
because if this situation doesn't kill me first.... then I
will. I cannot emphasize enough how emotionally drained I
am. I just go home at night and lock myself in my room.
Why? Because my room is the only place I feel like that I
cannot get hurt in. Step outside my room and my heart
becomes fair game to whomever wants to attack it. Don't you
think I get sick and tired of sitting in my room night
after night after night?? Hell yeah I do!! But at least I
know I cannot get hurt in there.

The Beach Boys wrote a song years ago that explains it
well. Its called In My Room.

"There's a world where I can go and tell my secrets to, In
my room..... In my room. In this world I lock out all my
worries and my fears. In my room... In my room. Do my
dreaming and my scheming lie awake and pray Do my crying
and my sighing laugh at yesterday. Now it's dark and I'm
alone but I won't be afraid In my room.... In my room"

How true it is. I get complaints from my dad that I'm
living like a hermit. But can you blame me?? I still want
my family back. Even though I wasn't much of a
husband/father back then I still enjoyed the family life.
And I want it back. I want it more now because I know what
type a husband I can be and what type a father I can be.
Tammy is showing too many signs of wanting to work things
out... from the phone calls and "blaming it on Adam" to
kissing and the admitting of feelings for me to the rushing
up to the hospital to see me to let me spend time with the
her and the kids. Too many signs are there are pointing to
her that she is not wanting to walk away just yet. As much
as I want to just give up and walk away.... there is
something pulling me... telling me "wait.... not yet".

Well.... Back To My Room
Barry




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