lovebuzz

life condensed
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Ezoic
2001-08-20 01:59:26 (UTC)

it's not the heat, it's the humidity

before i started writing in this i had to decide if i was
writing for an audience or not. i still haven't decided. i
think the content of all this would change if i actually
believed someone else was reading it. well, i'll just
assume no one is (this is a safe estimation). the biggest
reason i started keeping a journal online is because i
don't have the energy to write in some little book every
week and keep up with it. this is somehow easier. my life
is in no way exciting or fascinating. i lead a fairly
average existence. the only thing on my mind is working
tomorrow. i really don't want to. then again, i never want
to... but who fucking does? and always, in the back of my
mind (in the part way in the back that i can ignore and put
things i don't want to think about), is that empty feeling.
lately it hasn't been that bad, but for a while i was kind
of dwelling on it. i have had probably about a dozen or so
pointless bullshit relationships in the past 3 years (i'm
20), but only one has kind of stuck with me. and it was
with the peron who treated me the worst. let's just call
her "N". N has what you'd call a Type A personality. she's
very confident in herself, is outgoing, intelligent, likes
to take charge of every situation. for some reason i'm
attracted to these people. so i let myself get involved
with her. and it was really good at first, we clicked
really well, and after a while i fell in love with her. we
broke up after she told me she was cheating on me. 6 months
later we started talking again and basically the same thing
happened all over. this has happened consistantly for about
2 years. i saw her last in May/June and i promised myself
ahead of time that nothing would happen and it would all
be totally platonic, but before i knew it we were kissing
and we ended up sleeping together. she tells me she loves
me and at first i believed her, but now i've come to
understand that it's a conditional love. as long as i don't
get in the way of her life, everything is fine. we haven't
talked for about 2 months now and i've kind of weaned
myself off of her. i haven't been thinking about her at all
lately and hopefully she's out of my life for good. but i'm
not totally confident that's the case. i honestly don't
know what to do. i have feelings for her, but i'm sick of
her treating me like a fucking doormat. so we'll see...
anyway, enough of that. there is more to my life than her,
and i don't want to seem so one dimensional. i'll write
more in a few days.
"being solitary is good, for solitude is difficult" - Rilke


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