bsword

Not sure where I belong

Can't stop listening to this song, and it makes me wonder
if I really have a desire to reinforce the depression I
feel, or if it's something I need to validate myself?

I worked a full shift today at Subway...it was great, I am
learning the ropes and I don't make many mistakes anymore.
I love my job...I love working with the customers, and I
love my boss...the only thing about Carolyn is that I think
she wants to convert everyone she meets. As I told Steve
earlier I really don't want her to try, because I like her
so much...I'm afraid that if she tries it with me it will
mean losing the friend I think I'm finding in her.

...and then I had to come here. I want to call it home but
every time I think that, something twinges in me. I miss
Phoenix, I guess, but like I told Steve last night, I miss
having a 'mommy' more than I miss the place itself. I've
got a stylised idea about the chore situation...that it's
finally crossed the line between reasonable expectation to
slavery...to put it harshly. I don't mind doing the chores,
it helps alleviate my inevitable feelings of being
a 'freeloader' or a 'guest', even though in theory this IS
my home. I love Steve's mom, she's been wonderful to me,
and to us, but I get so scared of letting her down that I
just kinda give up...after all, I could never live up to
the standards she's set, even though I should. I told her
yesterday that the towels would be folded, the room would
be clean, and that (with a sigh of resignation, because it
wasn't really my chore to do) I would empty and load the
dishwasher, but I just felt so CRAPPY...dizzy, feverish,
sick to my stomach. I wonder how much of that was
psychosomatically linked to not wanting to do my chores and
how much was a result of the trazodone overdose. I didn't
really overdose, just took one pill more than I should
have...but it had an adverse reaction with my body the
first time, and was apparently repeated last night. I can't
figure out whether I should feel justified in feeling like
there's too much pressue on me or if I should continue
feeling like a total failure and a fink for flaking out on
chores I've been saying I'll do for weeks now.

And then I heard her telling Steve "If Brie had done her
jobs like she said she would..." and I just got so MAD...I
don't know why, but all this rage and indignation just
started pouring out of my head and into my mouth, which in
turn sprayed all over Steve...which I also regret, I'm so
harsh with him most of the time, and then when I finally
get myself under control enough to realise it, something
else happens and I lose my temper again, either with him or
at him...the latter, last night. I love him so much I can't
even breathe, and I get so scared that I'm going to lose my
temper with him one too many times and he's just going to
give up...and move on to the better things he deserves. I
wish I could relax, I wish I could be normal and I wish I
could keep my temper and be the perfect woman he
deserves...which gives me more to be depressed about.

I got more hours from Carolyn this morning...26 a week now
instead of 16. It's better than nothing, and it will
supplement the check enough that I don't need to get
another job just so we can survive. Which brings me to
another point of great frustration...money. I know I
agreed, with Steve, to pay his mom the 800 dollars a month,
but damnit...it's not working! It would be ok if we planned
on staying here for an indefinite period of time, but I
want out! And I think Steve wants to move into the
apartment as much as I do, to be somewhat independent, to
have the privacy. Not that it's all Cherie's fault...very
little of it, in fact. I'm not so deep in my disease that I
can't see my bad spending habits...at least I can boast a
little guilt on the conscience about it...but it's hard
with Steve, because I don't think he sees that spending the
money is not the best course of action right now...and then
I forget myself, or compromise what I'm really thinking, or
just don't think about it at all, and there we are with 90%
of our income going to the house rent and the other 10%
going to Mad Libs and bike repairs. It's going to take us
CENTURIES to move out of here, even if we save every penny.
I think I made about $150 this month, and Steve made about
$450...$400 of which goes to Cherie, so we have $200
towards the thousand we need. At this rate, we'll be out of
here in 2 and a half months. The next check will be a bit
bigger for both of us, moreso for me because of the jump in
hours...I'm expecting to make about $250, plus his $550,
which leaves us with $400...That's $600 in the bank. If we
make another $400 the former part of September, we can be
in the apartment before October. We need to get Steve to
the DMV so he can get picture ID so all our money can start
going into ONE account...Preferably the savings account
attached to my account, that earns puny but existent
interest.

On another thought...once we're out of the obligation to
pay Cherie $800 a month, we'll be making about...Let's see,
about $500 from me, about $1100 from Steve...a good $1600
dollars. Maybe a little less, but more than enough to pay
the rent and have enough left over to start saving. Oh, how
wonderful it will be to get back in school...but more
wonderful than that, to move into the apartment. Now we
just have to cross our fingers and hope Josh says "yes."

I'm not sure I feel better, but I feel lighter somehow. I
feel very dark, today. Maybe this diary thing will be a
good exercise for me.

08/19/01